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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Fuck kids!

Not in the Catholic priest, NAMBLA way, of course.  Anyone who fucks a kid like that should go directly to the Pedophile-o-matic, a nasty skin-flayer/eye-gouger/dick-guillotiner.  Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.  Just die, horribly, you sick fucks.

But definitely fuck kids in the sense that those little bastards have no fucking clue just how awesome they fucking have it.  No jobs.  No real responsibilities.  Free food and shelter.  Unconditional love.  Unearned approval.

"Why yes, sweetheart, that [shitstain-lookin' smear of paint] is absolutely beautiful!"

With these snot-spewing germ factories as their target audience, it's no wonder most kids' movies suck Mount Rushmore-sized balls.  Even the ones that aren't shameless, 80-minute commercials for some cheap-ass, Made in China toy.  Yet, critics seem to grade kiddie flicks on a curve.

Zootopia, for instance, has an incredible 99% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  That's 187 "Fresh" reviews to only 2 "Rotten" ones.  Does it deserve it?  Fuck no!

Critics are falling all over each other to praise Zootopia because they think - depending on their personal biases - that it has a powerful pro-feminist and/or anti-racism message.  The lead character is country bumpkin rabbit, Judy Hopps (Ginnifer "So Bad It's" Goodwin), who travels to the titular big city to become the first rabbit cop in history.  To solve her first case, she teams up 48 Hours-style with a con artist fox named Nick (Jason "Don't Take The" Bateman), which forces her to confront her species-ist preconceptions about one of rabbitdom's oldest natural enemies.

The only problem is that nothing about this anthropomorphic assholery makes any fucking sense.  In the Zootopia universe, predator animals and prey animals all live in harmony because predators no longer prey on prey.  Soooooo . . . does that mean even the carnivores are vegetarians?

Zootopia pretends to have something to say about prejudice and bigotry, but Judy's parents still fuck like bunnies.  She has 275 siblings, for fuckbunnies' sake.  Mr. Big, a Godfather-like crime boss, is stereotypically Italian.  Weasels are no-good, lyin' criminal types.  Nick, the fox, is sly.  The DMV workers are sloths.  There's even a jockey-less camel race.

Though she only got her cop job thanks to Zootopia's version of affirmative action, the Mammal Inclusion Initiative, Judy refers to herself as not being just a "token" bunny.  She also explains that while one bunny can call another bunny "cute," other animals can't use that word.  There's even a joke about Nick curiously touching a sheep's fro.  Not a black sheep.  I guess that would have been too on-the-nose.

If only any of Zootopia's three directors would have had the sack to go all the way and throw in a couple of characters named Dr. Martin Luther Kingfisher, Jr. and Alligator Sharpton.

I don't care how cute they are.  All the bunnies and foxes, the giraffes and rhinos, the polar bears and voles in Zootopia live in a universe screwier than the fasteners aisle at Home Depot.

Fuck you, you furry fucks!

April 3, 2016