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Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


xXx: Return of Xander Cage


You know what the saddest part of the Women's March on Washington is?  200,000 men with no one to make them sandwiches.  And you know who would love a sexist joke like that?  James Bond.


Sure, for a lot of the barely post-embryonic moviegoers out there, James Bond has always been a beefy, blonde sourpuss who never cracks a smile during any of his gritty, grungy, angst-filled missions.  They have no idea that every single Bond before that was middle-sized, dark-haired and a horny womanizer.  Sir Roger Moore's 007 in particular spent more time drinking and whoring than he did saving the world from the crazy schemes of cartoonish supervillains, and he did it with a smarmy grin, goofy gadgets and, most likely, a raging case of the clap. 


If Moore's Bond had bulked up on steroids and covered himself with fake tats to go undercover at the X Games, he'd be Xander Cage in the xXx series which,  except for the one Ice Cube fronted, stars Vin Diesel "Jeans" as an extreme sports YouTube sensation blackmailed by Samuel L. "Goldwyn" Jackson's NSA boss into working as a secret agent.


Diesel must have a Pete Rose-sized gambling problem, snort as much coke as Lindsay Lohan during the Aughts or be paying hush money to more male prostitutes than John Travolta because he's been making fuck you money for the past 15 years.  If he didn't need the cash, why in the name of George Lazenby would he agree - at nearly 50 - to do xXx: Return of Xander Cage?


Maybe he just had a yen for it?  Or should that be yuan?  After all, between Huahua and the Shanghai Film Group China has more than a few of its 10 billion fingers in xXx: ROXC.  That's probably why the cast looks like the United Nations fucked a Benetton ad.  Diesel's love interest is played by Bollywood superstar Deepika "Woods OFF" Padukone.  Hong Kong heartthrob Donnie "The Blind Dude in Rogue One" Yen is Xander's frenemy.  And Thailand's answer to Brad Pitt, Tony "Hai!" Jaa, shows up rocking a bleach blonde faux hawk for some reason.


The Asian persuasions are joined by Ruby "OINTB" Rose as the sexiest sniper ever to lube a barrel, Rory "The Hound" McCann who continues the Game of Thrones TV-to-movies diaspora, Nina "Do Me" Dobrev as the Q character, UFC phenom Michael "British Bulldog" Bisping stretching his acting muscles as . . . a fighter, and Toni "The Tigress" Collette as Xander's new handler.  Because Sam Jackson is only in this Dew spew for about three minutes.


"But Cinemavenger, what about the plot?"


Plot?  Don't talk to me about plot!  In a movie like this?  Are you kidding me?  Plot?!


xXx: Return of Xander Cage is big, dumb, loud shitiocy - exactly as advertised.  Its plot matters as much as feathers on a Ferrari.


January 21, 2017