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Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


X-Men: Dark Phoenix


Mothers are flocking to a mommy blog to whine over wine about technology making them lonely, and not one of them seems to see the "water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink" irony in that.  These house fraus weep about the loss of female bonding time they (well, their great-grandmothers, maybe) got when they met up with the other women folk to wash clothes down by the river.  "Washing machines are ruining our lives!" they wail.


If only we could repeal all the laws that forbid women from using the hours upon hours saved by washing machines, vacuum cleaners, Amazon, bidets, etc. to visit with other moms, make new friends, or just shut the fuck up.  Stupid broads.


The only thing I saw this week that was worse than that echo chamber, poor me, Luddite asshattery was X-Men: Dark Phoenix.  You may have heard how badly this thing tanked at the box office.  Well, let me tell ya somethin'.  The reports of Dark Phoenix's suckage have been greatly under-exaggerated. 


Holy flaming shit bags!  It's a good thing ol' Cinemavenger's a super genius, because I could feel more and more of my IQ points committing ritual suicide every minute this cinematic abortion dragged on.  This movie is so soul-crushingly boring it should be shown on a loop on every wall in every prison.  There'd never be another riot, but human rights violations claims would probably go through the roof.


It may take hundreds of people to make a movie, but it only took two to peg the shitometer with Dark Phoenix.  Simon "Go Die" Kinberg wrote and directed this by-far-the-worst X-Men movie ever.  Kinberg also wrote the second and third worst films in this franchise, Last Stand (also a Dark Phoenix story, talk about a one-trick wanker) and Apocalypse.  How does this fucking guy keep getting work?!


Kinberg's shit show stars Sophie "Sansa" Turner, an actress who gives all the other slightly above average-looking chicks out there hope for a brighter future.  Her work here and on Game of Thrones proves with mathematical certainty that she is to acting as sharks are to skydiving. 


Fuck worst superhero movie.  Dark Phoenix is the worst movie . . . period . . . in a long ass time.


September 27, 2019