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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

X-Men: Apocalypse

Megastrength, accelerated healing and flight are always the first-choice super power picks, but I think I'd take the ability to cause spontaneous orgasms using just my mind.  Not only would it come in handy (ahem) in the bedroom, but it would make battling supervillains - or other superheroes as seems to be so popular these days - the funniest thing since the whoopee cushion. 

Just as my opponent is getting ready to throw a building at me or disintegrate me with his laser eyes, I blink and nod I Dream of Jeannie style and suddenly he's making his O-face, shuddering uncontrollably and creaming the front of his unitard.

Captain Cumshot wins again!  Excelsior!

Trust me, that would be way more fun to watch than any of the crash! bang! boom! bullshit in X-Men: Apocalypse.  Like Spiderman, director Bryan "The Jazz" Singer used to be amazing.  Witness The Usual Suspects.  Now, his movies are like an Oregon hippie: all about recycling, reeking of shit from the compost pile and really fucking annoying.

And after two-and-a-half hours with them you'll want to hang yourself with one of their Whole Foods, enviro-friendly, hemp shopping bags.

In Apocalypse, the sixth X-Men movie (not counting spinoffs) and the third since the 2011 reboot, the big bad guy, En Sabah Nur (Oscar "Mayer" Isaac), is a 5000-year-old mutant - possibly the first mutant ever - who . . . BIG yawn . . . wants to take over the world.  Why?  Because even though he's all-powerful, he's not all-all-powerful.

His Royal Nile-ness assembles Four Horsemen, Storm (Alexandra Shipp "Has Come In"), Angel (Ben Hardy "Boy"), Psylocke (Olivia "Newton" Munn) and Magneto (Michael "I Need To Get Drunk Quick So I'm Going On A" Fassbender), to give him a hand with all the humanity-destroying because, again, "all-powerful" ain't what it used to be.

In the other corner of this mutant SummerSlam, we have good guy leader Professor X (James "No Patrick Stewart" McAvoy) and his X-Men, including Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence "Of Her Labia"), Beast (Nicholas "Blue Balls" Hoult), Quicksilver (Evan "Bernadette" Peters), Jean Grey (Sophie "'s Choice" Turner), Cyclops (Tye "For Fourth" Sheridan) and Nightcrawler (Kodi "Piece Of" Smit-McPhee). 

Of fucking course fan fav Wolverine (Hugh Jackman "Is He Getting Old") cameos.  Magneto goes from good to bad to good again before walking away like Bill Bixby's Bruce Banner at the end of every episode.  And Professor X's mansion/mutant academy gets blown up - something that happens so often it was the punchline of a joke in Deadpool.

X-Men: Apocalypse does try a couple of new things to unintentionally hilarious effect.  When En Sabah Nur builds his evil lair, it looks like Q*Bert could come hopping down it at any second.  And during the heat of battle Storm grunts like a pro tennis player, like she's some sort of lightning-shooting Williams sister.

With X-Men's mutants having stood in for victims of racial and, more recently, sexual orientation discrimination, I guess we should just be happy that Apocalypse doesn't feature a scene where the new mutant, who looks like a walking quim and wields an enormous cock-sword, struggles with which bathroom to use.

May 29, 2016