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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Wonder Woman

First, chicks came for the vote, and we did nothing because everybody knows voting doesn't matter.  Then they came for reproductive rights, and we did nothing because condoms suck.  Then they came for equal pay, and we did nothing, literally.  Then they came for Ghostbusters, and we didn't have to do anything because they fucked it up 12 ways to Tuesday all on their lonesome.  Now they've come for superhero movies, and Adam's-appled dick-danglers everywhere need to unite because shit just got real.

If a bevy of broads (Director Patty "Cake" Jenkins, star Gal "Of My Dreams" Gadot, co-star Robin "Mrs." Wright and Producer Deborah "Dee" Snyder) can birth Wonder Woman, by far the best DC extended universe (DCEU) film yet, then the last bastion of male dominance, superhero flicks, is in danger of being co-opted by the vagina ideologues.  And then where will dudes be?  Rounded up concentration camp-style and kept alive solely to be sperm donors to a new ruling class of hairy-legged dames, that's fucking where!

Look out Marvel, because DC has cracked the code.  After the "Martha!  Martha!  Martha!" bullshittery of Batman v Superman and the Margot-Robbie-was-the-only-good-thing-about Suicide Squad, DC has finally figured out how to make a solid, tentpole blockbuster.  They made a Marvel movie.  Specifically, they made the first Captain America and just switched Cap out for Wonder Woman (a/k/a Princess Diana a/k/a Diana Prince).

During WWI, American spy Steve Trevor (Chris Pine "Fresh Scent") crashes on the hidden Island of the Amazons, Themyscira.  In addition to showing Diana her first schlong, he introduces her to the idea of a "world war."  Conveniently enough, the Amazons' purpose in life is to bring peace to the world, so Diana heads off with Steve to kill some krauts and/or Greek gods and thereby end the War to End All Wars.

When they reach Europe, Diana's the sexiest fish out of water since the barramundi I banged that one, crazy spring break, and in a skirt-friendly role reversal, Steve is the damsel in distress.  Need some more "bitches be doing it for themselves" empowerment?  Wonder Woman's hooters-hoisting bustier costume now comes complete with a modesty-maximizing tennis skirt.  You've come a long way, baby.

Wonder Woman is as funny and heartfelt as the rest of the DCEU has been lemon-faced and soulless.  So get ready to grab your balls and climb some walls, boys, because it looks like this is the dawning of the Age of Labiarius.

June 2, 2017