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Weird Science

We're far enough into the 21st Century that kids are already shitilly referring to things (like their parents being born) as happening in "the last century" or "the 1900s." In one breath, these pupae sneer at everything before 2000 being all steam engines, moon landings, and bell bottoms, but in the next they're going crazy for retro vibes, particularly from the 1980s. Little bastards.

As always, ol' Cinemavenger is here to help. It doesn't get much more 80s than 1985's Weird Science, a comedy about two geeky high school boys who use a home computer to make a model-hot sexbot (Kelly "Blue Book" LeBrock) who then teaches them important life lessons like, "You have to believe in yourself." and, "Always grab a chick's ass when you kiss her."

Written and directed by 80s movie god John "Howard" Hughes, Weird Science came out between The Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Anthony Michael "Cera Prime" Hall plays Gary, and Ilan "One Hit Wonder" Mitchell-Smith plays Wyatt. Sure, they're brainy and a little nerdy, but their geekiness is really only defined by the fact that they're the targets of two classic 80s bullies played by Robert "Who?" Rusler and Robert Downey, "Soft" Jr.

That's right, muthafuckas! Before he was Iron Man, or Sherlock Holmes, or Charlie Chaplin, or even coke whore Julian, RDJ started off as a stock villain in an 80s high school flick. Watching him out act everyone else on screen while still being so early in his career that his "craft" is nowhere near as polished as it is these days is reason enough to check out Weird Science.

In addition to Downey, you also get Bill "K" Paxton as Wyatt's asshole brother, Chet. Paxton, too, would go on to greater things, including Twister, Titanic, and his iconic turn as Private Hudson in Aliens. It's grody to the max that poor Bill went all "Game over, man!" before his time.

Weird Science is pure, "last century" fantasy, the kind that makes you laugh more than cringe even nearly 40 years later - despite the totally bitchin' 80s hair styles and fashion. Although, I'm guessing it's only a matter of time before the PC Nazis and/or the Hollywood reboot machine fuck it completely up.

When it comes right down to it, Weird Science is Mary Poppins for horny, American teenagers. With substantially more female-on-male statutory rape.

July 2, 2021

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