Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
ThinkGeek
The Chive

Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Underwater


Did I miss a memo?  Did all the other film critics get together and decide they'd all call Underwater an "Alien knockoff?"  Better yet, have those motherfuckers even seen Alien?  Like many big boy-banking movies, Alien spawned tons of (usually cheap-ass) knockoffs.  I don't care what the other critics say; Underwater ain't one of 'em.


Sure, the Mariana Trench is as freaky and isolated as outer space, and both movies feature unknown organisms whose idea of productive First Contact is literally to bite the heads off of the humans they meet.  Underwater even has a baby creature that looks unforgivably like the chestburster from Alien.  That's where any similarities between the used-to-be-cool Alien franchise and this tanker load of runny whale shit end.


Kristen "Stewie" Stewart's submerged drilling rig engineer, Norah, is no Ellen Ripley, believe it or not.  She doesn't figure out the threat to the rig or its crew; she literally just bumps into the monsters.  She doesn't come up with a bold, creative way to stop a seemingly unstoppable threat and save herself.  She doesn't have a pet pussy.  She does spend a few scenes in a bra and panties, so there is that.


The drilling rig and the station that support it apparently have no windows, external cameras, or sensors of any kind because nobody knows what the fuck caused the station to start imploding, section by section.  The six survivors - of the 316 total, alleged crew that we never see - need to get from the station to the rig if they want to make it to the surface alive.  On the way, they start getting picked off one by one by the biggest fucking Sea-Monkeys you've ever seen.


The admittedly deadly, oversized brine shrimp turn out to be - spoiler alert - the children of (or parasites on . . . who the fuck knows) a Godzilla-sized Cthulu-looking sumbitch.  Underwater ain't telling which it is because even the screenwriters probably don't know.


All of the above is really just a guess.  Underwater's audio and visuals are so muddy that, really, anything could've been happening on that big screen in front of the nearly empty theater in which I sat.  Hell, it could've been the longest, most sexually graphic, surprisingly polo pony-filled condom commercial ever made for all the fuck I or anyone else will ever know.


January 27, 2020