Transformers: The Last Knight
Fuck it. If Michael "Kablamo!" Bay can make the same seven-layer-shit-dip of a movie five times in a row and people still line up to lick the bowl, then your friendly, neighborhood Cinemavenger is going to "borrow liberally" from his review of the last Transformers flick to give Transformers: The Last Knight the proper ass-whuppin' it deserves.
As the 15th preview ended and I prepared myself for the eye rape to come, all I could think was, "Well, it'll probably be better than getting circumcised by Michael J. Fox." And damn if it wasn't . . . by a dormouse's pube. Of course, that's one fucking low bar.
With his fifth Transformers movie in ten years, Bay proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no god. Because if there were, whether with infinite mercy or great vengeance and furious anger, he/she/it would undoubtedly destroy the universe rather than allow it to be subjected to yet another example of this particular flavor of fucktrocity.
The Last Knight finds Bay once again steering with the skid. This Trumpian clusterfuck supersizes every vomit-inducing element of his trademark style. Utterly incoherent plot? Check. Velveeta cheesy soundtrack? Check. American flags flapping everywhere? Check. Random explosions every few seconds? Check. Casting then camera-fucking some young piece of tail? Check. Racially offensive Transformers? Check and Mandingo-mate.
Then he cuts it all together with now-the-worst example of ADHD editing ever committed to film (fine nerds, digital video). You'd need to sprinkle your popcorn with Ritalin or shoot an eight ball of coke directly into your brain to have any hope of following the chaos on screen. Seriously, a retarded marmoset could have created a more intelligible final product.
This time around, curiously Boston-accented alleged Texan Cade Yaeger (Mark "Balls To The" Wahlberg), Oxford Professor/Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider stand-in/camera fuckee Vivian Wembley (Laura "Most Likely Smells Nothing Like" Haddock) and Transformers secret decoder ring-holder Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony "Nice Chianti" Hopkins) have to find Merlin's - yes, bloody Merlin's - staff to save the planet Earth from being gobbled up by the planet Cybertron.
Is it possible to give negative fucks? With Transformers: The Last Knight, Bay looks everyone right in the eye and smiles while stealing, multiple times each, from The Fifth Element, Star Wars, X-Men, Guardians of the Galaxy and The Abyss. How many counts of grand theft cinema is that?
Fuck Hasbro, fuck Bay, fuck the five less-than-meets-the-eye Transformers movies so far and preemptively fuck the inevitable sixth one that, like a soon-to-be lesbian still chasing cock, is yet to come.
June 23, 2017