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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Nobody likes the ol' bait-and-switch.  Ask any guy who's ever met a smokin' hot chick at a bar, bought her a few drinks, had a few laughs then taken her home only to find that when she lifts up her skirt "she's" packing a bigger cock than he is.

Speaking of which, Bruce Jenner's still a man.  He can call himself Caitlyn or Vaginia or Boobarella or whatever the fuck he wants, but until he loses his frank and beans he's a dude.  Period.  It's like Trainwreck.  People from Brooklyn to Beverly Hills can swear up and down that it's an epic comedy and feminist yawp, part sugar-and-sriracha-coated sex joke, part truth bomb.  That don't make it fucking so.

Because, in reality, Trainwreck is a drama in comedy drag, and it's about as feminist as an Eisenhower Era marriage.

Amy (Amy "Today's Pauley Shore" Schumer) is a successful magazine writer in NYC.  She can and does do anything a man can.  She drinks, smokes weed, sleeps with whoever she wants whenever she wants and, probably, pees standing up.  She's a 21st Century, fully-actualized womyn's womyn.

Or, you know, she's an alcoholic, druggie, nasty, lying, ignorant slut.

If you let yourself think for even a moment that the second description applies then, according to Schumer, director Judd Apatow, the harpies on The View and the rest of the hysterical PC asshats, you're a woman-hating Neanderthal who should be neutered or killed before you can pass on your broken, culture-threatening genes.

"Because," they shriek, "if a man did that - drank and smoked and slept with anything that moved - no one would have a problem with it.  But when a woman does it, everyone freaks out!  It's not fair!  Waaaaahh!"

Look, I'm not saying that sexism is a thing of the past.  I'm not saying that double standards based on gender don't exist.  What I am saying is that Schumer's character in Trainwreck is an absolute piece of shit.  She'd be just as much of a piece of shit if she were a man, but it doesn't make her any less of a piece of shit - let alone a hero, icon or role model - because she's a woman.

And for an allegedly subversive, boundary-pushing film, Trainwreck's "moral" couldn't be more reactionary or regressive if it were presented on Gothic font title cards read by Rush Limbaugh.  Spoiler Alert for anyone who's never seen a movie before, but it turns out that all Amy needed to be happy was to quit drinking, marry a rich, White doctor, move to the suburbs and squeeze out some kids.

If Betty Friedan were still alive, she'd cunt punt Schumer and every other Trainwreck supporter into next week.

December 13, 2015.  Video release review rather than theatrical release review because girls just wanna have fun.