Toy Story 4

Do not, I repeat do not, Google "Sex Toy Story."  Not because you'll be scarred by the results like I was when I searched "grandma's cream pie," but because, even though it flies in the face of all conventional wisdom, the results of a "Sex Toy Story" search are unbelievably fucking boring.

Sure, there's the one, homemade YouTube video of sentient sex toys modeled after the Toy Story bunch, but other than that . . . nothing.  No animated nor live action Toy Story porn parodies.  Edward Penishands exists for fuckass' sake, but nobody's cashed in on Sex Toy Story?!  You know what?  Fuck it.  If anyone's interested in making Sex Toy Story happen, hit ol' Cinemavenger up. 

That shit writes itself!  Woody already sounds like a big, veiny dildo with a cute cowboy hat atop its balls.  What is Buzz if not an astro-themed vibrator with a big helmet?  The Tyrannosaur, Rex, has funky, green double penetration written all over it.  Mr. and Mrs. Potato head would make amazing, customizable butt plugs.  Look no further than Slinky Dog for all your bondage needs.  You couldn't do better than Sarge and his toy soldiers for marvelously militant nipple clamps.  And if we can't write in a triple-breasted, Irish sex bot named Tits McGee, then why the fuck are we even doing this?

If you think all this Sex Toy Story talk is borderline sacrilegious, then Toy Story 4 is your cup of oatmeal.  The only thing its writers, producers and director are more obsessed with than old age, retirement, and obsolescence might be Matlock.  Seriously, Toy Story 4 is one midlife crisis away from hair plugs and a new Corvette.  It's damn near French in its unceasing, existential angst.  Motherfucker should have a black and white "Fin" title card at the end.

With Andy at college and little sis Bonnie heading off to kindergarten, Woody (Tom "Yanks" Hanks) feels more useless than tits on a bull.  He tries to fill the void (in a far more G-Rated way than he'll be filling voids in Sex Toy Story) by taking care of new guy toy, Forky (Tony "Hearty And" Hale).

Eventually, Woody learns that you gotta go with the flow, pick yourself up, wipe the cum off your face, and just say, "Yes, yes, oh god, yes!" to life.

Toy Story 4, easily the worst one so far.

June 28, 2019

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