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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


The Usual Suspects

Who doesn't like to get blown? Most guys would slap their mamas for a blowjob, and I haven't met a chick yet who didn't love a blowout. Everyone digs having their mind blown. The Usual Suspects will do just that with its whiplash twist ending the first time you watch it, and it'll do it again the second time when you realize how stupid you were for not picking up on any of the more-obvious-than-a-mustache-on-the-Mona Lisa hints it drops all along the way.

It all boils down to, "Who is Keyser Soze?" Keyser is a criminal mastermind, or a made up boogie man, or a collective delusion of the criminal class. He's either pulling every string, or he doesn't exist at all. Either way, he's in complete control of the random-not-random bunch of thieves and killers thrown together in this crime caper flick.

Keaton (Gabriel "Sick" Byrne) is an ex-cop and wannabe ex-criminal trying to go straight. McManus (Stephen "Middle Child" Baldwin) embraces a life of crime and all the bloody fun that comes with it. His partner, Fenster (Benicio Del "Taco" Toro), is wound so tight he's basically a Slinky. Hockney (Kevin "Haddock" Pollak) never met a person he wouldn't call "cocksucker." Verbal (Kevin "Deep" Spacey) rounds out the group as a crippled con man.

After our "heroes" are hauled in by the police, as foreshadowed by the Casablanca-inspired title, they decide to rob some dirty cops as a fuck you payback to New York's finest. Soon enough, they realize that they may actually be working for Keyser Soze himself. Keyser's personal attorney, Kobayashi (Pete "We Miss You Pal" Postlethwaite), does all of the Ghost of Crime Past, Present, and Future's talking, and as always he's an absolute fucking delight to watch.

The Usual Suspects uses the story-within-a-story framework and is actually told in flashback as Verbal explains how one thing led to another that led to a cargo ship full of dead goons burning in a harbor in San Pedro, CA. The only thing more 90s than the movie's score is Chazz "Pop Yo Cherry" Palminteri as the Fed trying to get the truth out of a stupid cripple (his words, you overly sensitive cum guzzlers).

So, to sum up. Dudes love blowjobs. Chicks love blowouts. The Usual Suspects will blow your mind. As Bob Dylan probably sang when fucking about with friends at a party, "Everybody must get blown."