Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Shallows

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the theater - after the shitassery of Warcraft and Independence Day: Resurgence - you get the Maxim-shoot-meets-Shark Week cuntastrophe, The Shallows.

Speaking of Independence Day, the 1996 original had the audience in the palm of its sweaty little hand . . . until Jeff Goldblum plugged his fucking Mac into the aliens' mainframe (Hold on, what?) and uploaded a computer virus that saved humanity's bacon.

It was exactly like when the bus in Speed didn't just defy physics but dick-slapped it midair as it made the fucktterly ridiculous jump across the totally un-jumpable gap in the freeway.  The only thing missing was a freeze frame of Keanu looking directly at the camera with a shit-eating grin and a knowing wink.

You can add the ending of The Shallows to the list of "Listen, movie.  If you're not going to take this seriously then I'm the fuck out." moments that turn a would-be hero into a punk-ass zero faster than you can say, "Neo is Jesus."

No spoilers here, but let's just say that The Shallows' ending would have been more believable if Nancy (Blake "Ryan Reynolds' Cum Dumpster" Lively) had pulled a bazooka out of her pussy, balanced on the shark's gaping mouth while it leapt 50 feet in the air over a lesbo mermaid orgy, shot her bazooka load down its throat then rode the shockwave from the fiery explosion all the way to the beach where she landed gently as a first kiss next to a shirtless cabana boy holding a perfectly chilled pina colada.

At least The Shallows is consistent, because not one fucking thing makes sense in the entire chum slick of a flick.  Nancy catches a ride with a local to a super secluded Mexican surf spot.  When the local asks her how she'll get back to her hotel, she jokes that she'll get an Uber even though she knows there are no Ubers at super secluded Mexican surf spots.  So even if she didn't get attacked by a UPS truck-sized Great White she'd still be stranded on the beach come sundown.

Although it has a seafood smorgasbord to munch on in the form of a dead whale - and chows down on no less than three other people after first attacking Nancy - the ginormous shark keeps going after her like she killed its entire family, burned their bodies along with the shark's childhood home and pissed on the ashes while screaming sharkist epithets and aggressively eating shark fin soup.  This shark has more sticktoitiveness than a roll of duct tape.

After suturing her massive leg wound using a couple of earrings (What the MacGyver fuck?!), Nancy even has time to fix her seagull buddy's broken wing.  And yes, you read that last sentence right.  There's a comic relief seagull hanging out with Surfer Barbie on the rock, and later the buoy, where she tries to hide from the Sharkinator.

Because director Jaume "Spanish Not So Fly" Collet-Serra thinks you're a fucking moron.

July 3, 2016