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The Princess Bride

There are few absolutes in life, but one of them is that if you don't like The Princess Bride you're a fuckawful person, and to you I say, "Boo! You queen of putrescence!" That's why this cinematic gem has earned the right to be Cinemavenger's 350th review!

The year was 1987. Parachute pants were still very much a thing, and Michael Jackson hadn't bleached himself yet. The hair was feathered, the jeans were acid-washed, the music was synth-driven, and the Interwebs were but a gleam in Al Gore's balls.

Into that neon maelstrom, Rob "Meathead" Reiner gifted the world his one begotten perfect movie. Ok, Fred "Macho Man Randy" Savage's whiny little bitch of an ungrateful grandson wasn't strictly necessary, but otherwise this flick is about as classic as it gets.

Beautiful and fiery Buttercup (Robin "Always" Wright) does the reverse pigtails-in-the-ink-jar thing with her family's farm boy servant, Westley (Cary "On My Wayward Son" Elwes). Their dom-sub dynamic blossoms into that rarest of flowers, true love, and Westley heads out to seek his fortune so that he can marry Buttercup. Alas, Westley is captured and killed by the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Or is he? There be SPOILERS ahead, matey. Ye've been warned. Five years pass, and Buttercup has been chosen by Prince Humperdinck (Chris "Susan" Sarandon) to be his . . . wait for it . . . princess bride. Humperdinck, it turns out, is a power hungry, royal ass, and he pays crafty Sicilian Vizzini ("William" Wallace Shawn), Spanish swordsman Inigo (Mandy "The Battleship" Patinkin), and kindly giant Fezzik (Andre "The Giant" the Giant) to kidnap Buttercup to start a war with a neighboring town.

Having inherited the mantle of the Dread Pirate Roberts, Westley outduels Inigo, outfights the giant, and outwits the Sicilian, which is hard to do, especially when death is on the line. Westley even has time to make an eerily accurate prediction of 2020 (and 2021, and . . . fuck) when he explains that he wears a mask because, "They're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future."

With the help of Miracle Max (Billy "Swarovski" Crystal) and his wife Valerie (Carol "Insane in the Mem" Kane, Westley saves Buttercup, Inigo makes good on his famous promise, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die," and Savage's character learns to be less of a prick to his grandpa.

Life is pain, but The Princess Bride is pure pleasure.

September 20, 2021