Do you smell that? That red tide, stanky pussy, toxic waste stench oozing from every movie theater in the land? That's the smell of August which, in case you didn't know, is Hollywood's shit pit. If you venture out to the movies in August - or February, the other movie dead zone - you're gonna have a bad time because that's when films that never should've seen the light of day slime their way in front of audiences and fuck their eye holes bloody.
Which is why it was no surprise to ol' Cinemavenger that The Meg, a giant, prehistoric shark movie starring this generation's Nicolas Cage, Jason "Absolutely Baldulous" Statham, earned itself an August release date. What was surprising is that Family Guy, with its ongoing "Meg sucks" joke, hasn't already spoofed it. Oh right. I forgot that TV shows only put out four episodes every other year anymore, and that means Family Guy has been on hiatus for the past 26 months. Lazy fucks.
The Meg starts with something that is obviously, 100%, sure-as-a-shitastic-movie-in-August supposed to be the Meg (I.E. a megalodon shark) crushing a submarine and nearly killing Statham's Jonas Taylor in the process. The story then jumps five years into the future to some scientists accidentally releasing a Meg from its oceanic prison at the bottom of the world's deepest sea trench.
How in the name of Bartholomew Marion Quint could a Meg have crushed a sub five years ago if it wasn't released until today?! Fuuuuuuucck!
That's all you need to know about The Meg. The people who made it - most of whom were apparently Chinese because studios have realized that there are a lot more Chinese asses than American ones to fill seats in theaters - don't have the first fucking idea about how time works.
August 17, 2018