The Chive


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The Man Who Invented Christmas

Here's another one from the "No fucking shit?!" file.  Recent research showed that straight women and gay men were most attracted to buff guys with cash.  Wait, so dudes with muscles and fat back accounts get more action than wimpy, broke guys? 

No fucking shit?!  Humans are animals.  We're biologically wired to seek out mating partners possessing physical strength and/or essential resources.  So fuck the people who did the study and used its evolutionarily-mandated results to try to make some whiny-ass point about privilege and status quo-ism.  Survival instincts don't make people jerkoffs.  Social justice warrior assholery does.

If you want to worry your probably-not-so-pretty little heads about something, try taking on some real social issues like poverty and hunger.  Kids going to bed with empty bellies every night because even though their parents work 40 hours a week they can't put food on the table.  How about you take some of the way too much time you obviously have on your hands and do something about that, you twats?

According to The Man Who Invented Christmas, Charles Dickens (Dan "Cat" Stevens) was more worried about hungry kids in the streets than he was about his own kids in their Egyptian cotton sheets.  Apparently, Dickens wrote A Christmas Carol in just six weeks and published it himself specifically to motivate the upper class of mid-19th Century London - who, per the movie, hated the lower class more than a scones-less tea time - into helping those less fortunate.  Or he wrote it because he was up to his armpits in debt and suffering from PTSD from when his dad was thrown into debtor's prison when little Charlie was but a wee lad. 

The Man Who Invented Christmas isn't sure about that or much else.  One minute Dickens is the sweetest, kindest man around, and the next he's firing his orphaned, Irish maid for disturbing him while he's trying to write.  He allegedly loves his kids - although he only interacts with them for about five minutes of the film - but when his wife says she's preggers again he's visibly disappointed. 

I guess such schizoid tendencies shouldn't be surprising.  The Director, Bharat Nalluri "Gesundheit," has bounced back and forth between TV and movies and from genre to genre (his biggest directing gigs have been The Crow: Salvation and Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day if that tells you anything, which it does) his entire, short career.

The Man Who Invented Christmas is basically a movie about writer's block, and that's exactly as exciting as it sounds.

November 24, 2017