Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Magnificent Seven (2016)

America may not have racial, economic or gender equality, but ol' Cinemavenger's here to tell you that asshole equality has definitely been achieved.  Is it really any surprise that, of all the freedoms, the one Americans embrace most and excel at best is the freedom to be a complete and utter fuckhead?

Before The Magnificent Seven started rolling at my local movie theater, I was intrigued by the blind guy being guided to his seat by his service dog and an arm-holding friend.  Was this guy blind enough to need the dog and friend but somehow not so blind that he couldn't watch a movie?  Was he just going to listen and imagine the visuals?  Was this a special braille showing, and he'd be up front fondling the screen the whole way through?

The braille option would probably have pissed the rest of the audience off less than what actually went down, because the previews weren't even done before this handicunt started talking loudly and often.  He had opinions about everything, and he was damn well going to share them.  No less than three different people at three different times asked him to shut the fuck up, but he wasn't having it.

Proving once again that the rich may have all the healthcare, the Whites may be way more likely to survive being pulled over by the cops, and dudes may not have to pay the tampon tax, but anyone can be an asshole.

Like, say, Antoine "Fuck What?" Fuqua, the Director of The Magnificent Seven.  Back in 2001, Fuqua made three-quarters of a good movie with Training Day, and people have been lining up to suck his dick ever since even though the rest of his films have, well, sucked dick.

Fuqua turns the 1960 classic Western into The Mundane Seven.  It plays like a greatest hits of oater cliches.  In the spirit of things, here are the top seven groaners.

1.  A guy crashes through the plate glass window of a saloon.

2.  A guy falls from the upstairs landing of the saloon and shatters a poker table.

3.  A guy gets shot dead and falls into an open coffin by the undertaker's shop.

4.  The good guy Indian and bad guy Indian fight it out with tomahawks.

5.  A selfish outlaw selflessly and heroically sacrifices himself.

6.  A coward runs away only to return at a pivotal moment to save the day.

7.  The good guy wears black.

If that wasn't enough, the god-fearing, upstanding woman who hires the Seven shows more cleavage than the local hookers, and the bad guys wait until 50 of their men have been killed before breaking out their town-leveling, Seven-snuffing Gatling gun. 

I hope that asshole blind guy walks off a cliff, and I hope you have enough sense to giddyup away from the The Mediocre Multicultural Seven.

September 23, 2016