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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Lighthouse

Before we get to the two-dicks-one-wick action, let's circle back to Birds of Prey, the Harley Quinn movie reviewed right here last week.  On the Friday it came out, I read an article crowing that with a $4M Thursday night, Birds of Prey was going to be a huge hit.  Given that $4M isn't a great Thursday night for a movie like this, that article was pushing an agenda rather than reporting facts.  Way, way the fuck too much of that going on these days.  Fight the power, yo.

Instead, BoPshat the nest.  So spectacularly, in fact, that the three biggest theater chains renamed it Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey in hopes of getting, like, six more people to go see it.  The problem wasn't the name, fuckos (well, ok, the name did suck).  The problem was the R rating.  In DC's quest for Harley to be a dickless Deadpool, it traded its key demographic, viewers under the age of 17, for a few f-bombs while totally whiffing on the outrageous, over the top, oh-no-they-didn't, ultraviolence and sex that could've launched a Harley Quinn franchise.

Shit, there's almost as much sex and violence in the two-man, black and white, independent, period film The Lighthouse.  Ok, so Willem "Oh Yes, They'em Will" Dafoe and Robert "Still Living Down Twilight" Pattinson don't fuck or even kiss, but there's at least as much sexual tension as anything Robbie manages in BoP.  Plus, Pattinson bangs a mermaid.  (Or does he?)  As for violence, both mental and physical are on display in a movie that, like 2AM-beer-goggle-clearance-rack-pussy, looks great but tastes like shit.

The Lighthouse really does look amazing.  Beautiful shot after beautiful shot fill the screen; too bad they're all in service of a typically indie, half-formed, ghost of an idea.  Even letting the obvious Prometheus and Icarus references slide, this is some pretentious-ass ambergris.

All the yelling and sea spray, all the crazy eyes and "Ye dog!" dialogue could've been saved if writer/director Robert "Pr" Eggers had come out (heh, heh) and said that Dafoe's character was the salty veteran that Pattinson's novice lighthouse keeper becomes.  But no, that kind of clarity is too square for the art house crowd.

The Lighthouse is a dim bulb pretending to be Times Square.

February 14, 2020