The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The LEGO Batman Movie

Cinemavenger is no trembling virgin fanboy, but even he has to doff his hat to Batman.  Wanna know why?

Because he's Batman.

Seriously though, it's not that he's been rocking a cape and cowl since 1939.  It's not that he fights the toughest of the tough without having any actual superpowers.  It's not that he's got a Statue of Liberty-sized hard-on for justice and beats the bad guys with brains as much as brawn. 

It's that at a time when political correctness is more out of control than a 70s porn star's pubes, when not just colleges and high schools but middle and elementary schools - and probably preschools in the hippier parts of the People's Republic of California - are proselytizing the evils of White Privilege, when "checking" a White person's "privilege" gets you a round of applause instead of a beat down . . . not one member of the PC SS dares question the actions of billionaire, vigilante, playboy, White guy Bruce Wayne/Batman.

Still, did we really need yet another Batman movie?  Yeah, about as much as Carrie Fisher needs a date for the Oscars.

That didn't stop director Chris "TV Hack" McCay from making The LEGO Batman Movie.  It's the movie the world didn't deserve and also not the one it needs.  It's a cash grab, a weary "fuck you" to parents and children alike.  It's a Warner Bros. film, and it knows it.  It's so desperate to seem hip that Batman (Will "Mr. Amy Poehler" Arnett) makes fun of the WB and DC logos and throws out a "Come at me, bro!" to Superman before the movie even starts.

Batman may have a utility belt full of "wonderful toys," but The LEGO Batman Movie has exactly one gadget, one move, and that's being self-referential.  Half the fucking movie is callbacks and shout outs to the campy, Adam "Go" West-starring 60s TV show and every other Batman movie, like "the one with the two boats" and "the one with the parade and the Prince song."  So if seeing a can of shark repellent, a clip of West dancing the Batusi, or "Kapow!" and "Bap!" bubbles pop up during a fight scene sounds like Xmas-chocolate-Molly-orgy fun to you, then get your sad ass to the theater.

You'll see the Joker (Zach "Zorba" Galifianakis) trying to convince Batman, increasingly homoeroticly, that the two can't exist without each other.  Batman laughs at that because Batman doesn't need anyone.  And if you can't predict with mathematical precision The LEGO Batman Movie's ending and "important" message from those two sentences, you've either never seen a film before, or you're the shortest of mental midgets.

By far the best reason to see The LEGO Batman Movie is to give some of your hard-earned money to billionaire executive producer and Trump's soon-to-be Secretary of the Treasury, Steve Mnuchin.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na . . . fuck me!

February 11, 2017

Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
The Chive