Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


The Last Witch Hunter


What the lynch mob fuck is the world coming to when:


A) A self-described cocksucking British dandy loves Trump and hates feminism;

B) He brings his "Dangerous Faggot" speaking tour to an American university, and

C) Students there are so intolerant of anything that challenges their tiny, cloistered worldview that they shout the gay-mini-Coulter down, cover themselves in blood in protest (actually red paint) then use the incident to justify scary monster, thought-police shitassery like "trigger words" and "safe spaces?"


It's enough to make ol' Cinemavenger want to start his own "Fuck You You Fucking Fucks" college tour/podcast/weekly enlightenment (and sex) orgy.


Here's a gut-churningly illogical quote from an offended student. 


"(Rutgers groups) should not be inviting anyone like (Yiannopoulos) because what we stand for is inclusion and diversity,” Waggeh said. “If a speaker makes someone feel unsafe or uncomfortable, then they should not come to campus."


The thing is, it ain't actually Freedom of Speech if you have to watch what you say.  You fucktards.


What does all that have to do with The Last Witch Hunter, an action movie that makes less sense than a Courtney Love book report?  Not a green-skinned, wart-nosed, pointy-hatted thing.  But given that Vin "Tin Tin" Diesel's Dungeons & Dragons circle jerk makes a 12-part BBC documentary on bellybutton lint seem like the height of excitement, I'd rather do some 1st Amendment superhero work than try to stretch "Boy, did that suck!" into 500 or so words.


Starting during the Middle Ages in a bad wig and worse chin merkin, Diesel's Kaulder hunts witches.  The biggest, baddest witch "curses" him with immortality before he impales her with his flaming sword.  No psychosexual imagery there.  Yeesh. 


That scene also features the first bit of cement-boots dialogue in a movie brimming with it.  Talking about the Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht "Humperdinck"), one of Kaulder's crew declares, "She will never truly perish until her heart beats its last."  No shit, warlock!


800 years later, Kaulder is still hunting witches.  His handler is some sort of priest called Dolan 36th (Michael "Sugar" Caine).  Caine and Diesel in the same scene is like a Porsche racing a platypus.  You can almost hear Caine thinking, "Oh, you poor thing."


Kaulder, who teams up with good witch Chloe (Rose "Fire Crotch" Leslie) because the Hollywood rule book says that action movies need at least one hot chick love interest, turns out to be more a witch private dick than a witch hunter.  I'm surprised Better Business Bureaus across the land haven't been flooded with complaints about the lack of actual witch hunting in a movie titled The Last Witch Hunter.


There's a reason why Diesel's upcoming projects includea second Guardians of the Galaxy, another Diesel-centric XXX and three (fucking three?!) Fasts & Furiouses but not a hint of witch hunting. 


If it looks like shit and sounds like shit, it's probably shit.  This Witch is a basic bitch. 


February 21, 2016.  New video release review rather than new theatrical release review because double, double, toil and fuckin' trouble.

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