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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Invisible Man

A lot of people are saying that The Invisible Man is the best horror movie of the year, but I just don't see it.  Ha!

The plot is so flimsy that it's transparent.  The characters are so thin it's like they're not even there.  The camera pans to an empty chair, empty room, or empty hallway so often that half the movie has you staring at nothing.

I can do this all day, folks, but let's get down to business, which for Hollywood is sucking every last dollar out of every last sucker's wallet.  That's why Universal Studios, gazing enviously at Marvel/Disney's mountains of Avengers and Star Wars cash, decided to create its own "extended universe."  Because Universal doesn't own a set of characters interesting enough to build such a universe around, it decided to go all public domain old school and create a "Dark Universe" of monster movies.

That's right, instead of Iron Man and Captain America or Rey and Kylo, Universal pictured a team up of Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy, the Invisible Man, and probably fucking Casper for all we know.  The Dracula movie got a stake through its heart.  Tom "Do Gay Guys Still" Cruise's Mummy movie was cursed.  And thus, the Dark Universe shat itself out of existence before it was even really born.

Shitbortion or no, Universal wouldn't be denied.  Instead of pushing forward with a big budget, Johnny "Orpheus 3.3" Depp, superhero Invisible Man flick, the studio did a 180 and made a micro-budget, horror-thriller version of The Invisible Man for the #MeToo generation.

Elisabeth "A Rollling Stone Gathers No" Moss stars as a woman who needs to escape her controlling, billionaire boyfriend because he's been abusing her for years.  So she says.  The movie doesn't show any abuse.  It only shows her drugging him and sneaking out in the middle of the night.  The rest the audience is asked to assume based on four lines of exposition from Moss.

Soon after Moss's character goes into hiding, her asshole ex kills himself.  Only he doesn't.  He faked his death so that he could use his fancy invisibility unitard to torment Moss into coming back to him.  If he can't have her, no one can!  Of course, if that were true he'd just kill her - while fucking invisible - and move on to a younger, hotter model . . . probably an actual model.

March 13, 2020