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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2

In the dystopian future of The Hunger Games universe, the country of Panem consists of the wealthy elite in the Capitol ruthlessly ruling the rest of the population.  Every day, the masses of Panem face starvation, disease and brutality from Capitol "Peacekeepers."  It sounds pretty awful, but hey, if people have to struggle just to survive at least they don't have enough time on their hands to invent things to be outraged by.

This week, the Student Federation at the University of Ottawa cancelled yoga classes because of some nonsense about yoga being an Indian practice and India experiencing oppression at the hands of the British.  Of course, by that logic, no one, anywhere, should speak English because English comes from England, and England has done some shitty things over the years . . . not just to Indians.  I'm just saying.  Here's the Washington Post article.

If that isn't fucktarded enough for you, another group of PC imbeciles, this time from the LGBTQ community, is foaming at the mouth over a preview for the Zoolander sequel.  Zoolander, for those of you who are blissfully unaware of it - and I envy you - was a dumber than dumb comedy about male models.  The models, led by Ben "Wa Balls" Stiller and Owen "Me $5" Wilson, as well as the fashion designers and pretty much everyone else, are portrayed as morons. 

Zoolander and its sequel are farces, but because the preview shows a sexually ambiguous character - and treats him/her in the same farcical way it treats everyone else in the movie - somehow it's offensive.  And the movie should be banned.  And the producers, director and stars should be publicly flogged and forced to cross dress for a year.  I shit you not.  Check out the CinemaBlend story.

You people (Oh yeah.  I just called you "you people.") have WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING TIME ON YOUR HANDS!  Maybe if you put some of the energy you waste being pissed off about imaginary injustices into something that matters, like feeding starving children or ending war for profit, you might actually improve the world in a tangible, meaningful way?  In fact, I'll make you a deal, as soon as you whiny, fascist, shit-noggins solve world hunger, poverty and needless war, you have my permission to get your panties in a knot every time something happens somewhere in the universe that you don't completely agree with.

Now where was I?  Oh, right.  The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2finally came out.  It took so long, and no one really cares about it anymore, because they gave the third book in the series The Hobbit treatment and made two movies out of itPart 1, from a year ago, was boring as fuck because they had to stretch it further than a fat guy's waistband and leave all the best action bits for Part 2.  Which is why it's a mystery on par with Stonehenge or Jimmy Fallon's popularity why Part 2 is almost exactly as smack-addled-snail slow and dishwater dull as Part 1.

The only noteworthy thing about Part 2 is that it glowingly endorses date rape.  After King of the Friend-Zone, Gale (Liam Hemsworth "Less Than His Brother"), smooches Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence "Of Arabia"), he says, "It's like kissing someone who's drunk.  It doesn't count." 

And frat boys everywhere rejoice.

November 29, 2015