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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

Isn't it the awesomest when your lover gives you a sexy smile, puts their hand down your pants and does that thing you love that gets you hard as a rock or wet as the ocean . . . and then, just when you're about to explode, they stop and walk away and tell you they'll see you next year?

No, it cate-fucking-gorically is not.

Well, that's just what The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1 does to its audience.  You've been warned.  If you shell out for this 30 minutes of story stretched to a shitdiculously boring, thinner-than-Kate-Moss-circa-1994 two hours, all you're doing is rewarding Lionsgate for its barefaced cash grab in chopping what should have been one movie into two.  That and proving that you're too stupid to be trusted with the price of admission.

Mockingjay - Part 1 is all setup and no punchline.  It's all preamble and no Constitution.  It's all line and no Space Mountain.  It's all heavy petting and no anal.

It's a great, green Hollywood loogie spat right in your face, and it's exactly as much fun as that sounds.

Midmovie-ish, in one of the most delicious bits of irony since those pilots in training were killed when a plane crashed into their flight simulator, Julianne Moore's District 13 President Coin says, "It's the worst torture in the world - watching when you know there's nothing you can do."  When Moore let that chestnut go, it was all I could do not to break into the kind of hysterics that would have ended up with me in a straightjacket being carted off to the nut house.

But then again, some electroshock therapy - or even a frontal lobotomy - would have been less painful than Mockingjay - Part 1.

So, a priest, a rabbi, Obama and Putin walk into a bar.

November 23, 2014