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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Hateful Eight

The first five minutes of Quentin Tarantino's The Hateful Eight may just be the load-blowingest example of cinematic excellence ever committed to film. 

I wouldn't fucking know.  Neither would any other motherfucker in the special 70mm showing I dragged my ass to on Xmas Eve.  Because the average multiplex monkey knows as much about running a 70mm projection rig as Queen Elizabeth does about sucking big, Black cocks.

Speaking of big, Black cocksuckery, The Hateful Eight, Quentin Tarantino's homage to classic Westerns, isn't just for manly men and the men who want to be one.  The womenfolk and gay guys will thrill to Samuel L. "Capital One" Jackson's character, Major Marquis Warren, describing . . . at great length . . . and in vivid detail one such big, Black cocksucking incident.  That and there's a full frontal of a naked hillbilly.

I want to play poker with Q.T.  He's gotta have more tells than a snitch convention.  At this point in his career, his movies are basically Mad Libs.

Want proof?  Try guessing which of the things below show up in The Hateful Eight?

  - Sam Jackson plays a bad motherfucker.

  - The Notorious N.I.G. word gets used with KKK rally regularity. 

  - Tim "Timmy!" Roth gets some work.

  - Michael "Hot Sauce" Madsen's character is a grinning madman.

  - Random-ass violence sprays gallons of gore across the screen.

  - It's about 20 minutes too long.

The answer is, of course, "D - all of the motherfuckin' above."

If you need some film geek cred, go see The Hateful Eight in 70mm.  It won't make a cricket fart's worth of difference to your viewing experience given that 90% of it takes place inside either a stagecoach or a cabin, but your friends will think you're cool.

But be warned.  Because hearing his words come out of actors' mouths for three hours doesn't quite toss Tarantino's salad, he pops in with his own voice-over narration two or three different times.

Three fucking hours - including an "Overture" and an intermission.  And Daisy Domergue's (Jennifer Jason "And The Argonauts" Leigh) folk guitar interlude.  And more shots of horses pulling things than Ben-Hur.

John Wayne, whoops, I mean John Ruth (Kurt "Keri" Russell) is taking Daisy to be hanged for murder.  A blizzard forces them to take shelter with a bunch of strangers.  From then on, it's Reservoir Dogs meets Murder, She Wrote with Sam Jackson in the Jessica Fletcher/Miss Marple role.

Motherfuckers get shot.  Sometimes in the dick.  Motherfuckers puke blood.  Motherfuckers punch and elbow and pistol whip a woman in the face. 

It's holiday fun for the whole family! 

Yeah, the fucking Manson family.

December 27, 2015