Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Grinch

If you think reboots, remakes, reimaginings and all the other slicker-than-snot ways of saying, "I couldn't come up with a new idea so I filed the serial numbers off of someone else's story and would now like to be paid handsomely for my brazen act of thievery," represent a new phenomenon, well then, you've got another think coming, fucko.

Even America's creepy uncle, Dr. "Theodor Geisel" Seuss, all the way back in the 1950s, wasn't above pilfering a proven plot line.  What is How the Grinch Stole Christmas! if not a snatch-and-grab of Dickens' own A Christmas Carol?  You know, with less heart, less joy and decidedly more green fur and nonsense rhymes.

Because even the pube-pluckingly painful Jim "Mariah" Carrey version couldn't kill the Grinch, he's back.  He's animated once again.  He's voiced by Benedict "Beninher Crabbiesnatch" Cumberbatch.  And his movie, The Grinch, is the adaptation nobody asked for.  Or wanted.  Or could give half a bucket of used fucks about.

Other than making Cindy-Lou Who (Cameron "Crowe" Seely) a pint-sized X Gamer and raising the bafflingly unnecessary question of whether the Grinch wears clothing made of the same fur that already covers his body, The Grinch, is basically a chili cheese dog-bloated update of the original TV version from 1966.  With Pharrell "Wheel" Williams trying admirably but failing epically to fill the shiny, black, narrator shoes of Boris "King" Karloff.

Riddle me this.  Who the fuck gets Benedict Cumberbatch to voice the Grinch and then, instead of having him speak in some approximation of his signature British baritone, tells him to put on a middle-America accent, and a meh one at that?  Scott "Tell 'Em Steve-Dave" Mosier and Yarrow "Dick" Cheney, that's fucking who.  Two guys who have exactly one-and-one-half feature film directing credits to their names . . . after co-directing this sugar turd.

So Suess is a thief, a scoundowngerous bounder.
The Grinch, still a dick, an asshatulous prick,
'Till he's not.
What a wangooble pile of Shatblast Beast snot!
Nothing is new under the blazing, blue sun,
Watch the TV show instead, it's cromfomulantly more fun.

November 30, 2018