Cinemavenger

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The Fountain

Love and death. More than anything else, our obsession with those two terrifical mysteries defines us as the feckless, often fuckless apes with jobs that we are. Don't front. You've spent more time looking for love and running from death than you've spent on anything else, including video games, smelling the roses, and eating ass . . . no matter how big a perv you are.

Director Darren "J-Law's Ex" Aronofsky is as obsessed with love and death as he is with being the smartest jerkoff in the room. He spells "art" exclusively with a capital "A." He's so far up his own ass that he's in imminent danger of becoming a meat donut. 

After he made Jennifer Connelly go double dildo in his grimy addiction flick Requiem for a Dream and before he turned Mickey Rourke into a Wrestler and Natalie Portman into a Black Swan​, he threw pre-Wolverine Hugh "Huge Jacked Man" Jackman in The Fountain, a century-spanning love story that's been dividing audiences and critics alike since 2006.

No shit neither. People either love or hate this flick. Nobody watches it and says, "meh." They punch holes in walls because they're so pissed off, or they cream their jeans and watch it over and over and over again. This movie takes a drag of a cigarette and tells the Bell Curve to go fuck itself.

Narrative assholery aside, The Fountain takes place in the years 1500, 2000, and 2500. During the Spanish Inquisition, Queen Isabella (Rachel "Yes Mummy" Weisz) sends Jackman's conquistador on a quest for the Tree of Life. In what was the present day at the time, give or take, Jackman's brilliant doctor character desperately searches for a cure to his dying wife's (Weisz again) cancer. And in the far-flung future, Jackman is an astronaut floating through space in a bubble on a journey to resurrect his lost love.

Adore it or abhor it, this movie is chockablock with achingly beautiful visuals. Those include every shot of Jackman and Weisz, both of whom look good enough to eat in every sense of the word, which is essential because nobody would take a dip in this fountain if the leads were ugly or even average looking.

Throw this one on for the next cock or cooze you're trying to bang. You'll either get epically laid or left with the bluest of balls, but at least you'll know where you stand.

November 3, 2023