Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Dead Don't Die

A zombie movie starring Bill "The Man The Myth The Legend" Murray? Fuck yeah! Oh, its a "Slim" Jim Jarmusch flick? Welp, fuck.

Coronavirus has brought us contactless delivery and wiping our asses on the ground Fido-style rather than zombies and shotguns, which is actually a perfect analogy for The Dead Don't Die.  Something that seemed like it would be cooler than a frood turned out to be way more whimper than bang. 

At least it's shown Americans their government's true colors.  You know, in case the Tuskegee Airmen, McCarthyism, and a thousand other examples weren't enough to wake all the time clock punching, fast food munching, fat fuck zombies up (which, obviously, they weren't).  The government scolds people for not having at least six months of savings in the bank in case of an emergency then trips over itself rushing to hand out billions in free money to huge companies when they come crying two weeks into the pandemic.  Do you get it yet?  "People" don't have the cash to line the politicians' pockets, so the government couldn't give less of a fuck about them.  Megacorporations though?  Well that's a whole other story, one that ends with the rich getting richer and the poor getting dead.

Then the Feds (and states, and cities, and twatwaffles online) tell everyone that the silver lining of all the self-isolation curve-flattening is that people finally have time to take care of all those little projects they've been putting off around the house.  Great idea!  I expect to see all the roads repaved and bridges fixed when I'm finally legally allowed to leave my house again.  Goose meet fucking gander.

Jarmusch has got to be on board with all that righteous truth-spitting.  In The Dead Don't Die, the indie writer/director turns MAGA into KAWA (Keep America White Again) and blames the zombie apocalypse on "polar fracking."  His zombies, including the winner for Most Obvious Zombie Casting Choice, Iggy Pop, still crave the meaningless distractions of the living, like coffee, candy, cable, and Xanax.

Jarmusch is either mellowing or owes some bad people money, because The Dead Don't Die is easily his most mainstream film.  With fourth wall breaks, a running joke about the theme song, and pop culture references like Adam "Kylo" Driver's Star Destroyer key chain, Jim couldn't be begging for cash any harder if he were Boeing.

April 10, 2020