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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Cabin in the Woods

Hold the fuck on a minute.  I think we've crossed some sort of Maginot Line of politically correct absurdity, because it looks like you don't have to be gay to be gay anymore.  No shit dick neither.  Rosario Dawson "came out" this week . . . even though she's never had a gay relationship and is currently dating a dude.  Like the Chewbacca defense, it just doesn't make sense.

I've had a low key crush on Dawson since seeing her breakout performance in Kids.  Her turn as a sexy dominatrix/murder machine in Sin City didn't do much to debone my boner.  But come on, chica!  How can you be gay if you're not gay?  If the world is that back-to-front, then I want to come out as a billionaire.  I don't actually have a billion dollars, but I know in my heart that I should.  It just feels right, you know?  So, who's going to hook ol' Cinemavenger up with enough ducats to finally be the person I've always known I was inside?

If the rules are on permanent vacation, then fuck it, I'm not reviewing a new, or even relatively new, release this week.  Let's get some one-finger love going for the 2012 meta-horror gem, The Cabin in the Woods.  Smarter than Scream, sillier than Scary Movie, and funnier than 90% of the alleged comedies that slink in and out of theaters, The Cabin in the Woods is all that and a bag of Chris "Pre-Thor" Hemsworth.

Five college kids (Hemsworth and four other much less fortunate actors) head out to - surprise, surprise - a cabin in the woods.  This movie is eight years old, so give a mofo credit when he still bends over backwards to call out the SPOILERS ahead.  In parallel with the camper ride to a woodsy abode that looks a whole lot like the cabin from the Evil Dead series, we're also introduced to some office drones who, it turns out, are monitoring and manipulating the coeds.

It breaks down like this.  If the kids don't suffer and die horribly, then giant, angry gods will rise up and destroy the Earth.  The Dunder Mifflin crowd exists to ensure that the suffering and dying happen so that the Earth destroying don't.  The whole crazy shebang works because it was co-written by Joss Whedon and directed by Drew Goddard with their tongues planted firmly in their cheeks.  Their own cheeks, because back in 2012 this "gay/not gay" bullshittery hadn't been invented yet.

February 21, 2020