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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Accountant

I like superhero movies as much as the next guy.  Maybe more.  I also like free booze and porn, but if all I did all day, every day was drink whiskey and spank the monkey, that shit would get Zsa Zsa Gabor old real fuckin' quick.  (Can you believe that cop-smackin' crazy is 98?)

Did we pass some sort of Comic-Con-created event horizon no one told me about, and now every movie has to be a superhero movie?  If that's what happened we need to get the big, blue Boy Scout (not The Tick, Superman) to do his fly-around-the-Earth-really-fast-and-turn-back-time thing.  Because when everybody's a superhero, nobody is.

Deep, right?

Serious as a positive pregnancy test after a one night stand you ain't proud of, the Superhero Syndrome is killing action movies.  The first three Die Hards rocked mostly because John McClane was a bleeding, sweating, not-sure-he-was-gonna-make-it human being.  Once he became an indestructible superdude, the series went to Shitsville.  It's the same with tons of franchises (I'm looking at you The Fast and the Furious).

Enter The Accountant.  It's A Beautiful Mind meets Rambo, and it treats autism like a superpower.  Ben "Butt Chin" Affleck plays Christian Wolff.  (You can hear the writer during the pitch meeting. "Get it?  'Wolff?'  Because he's a loner?  A lone wolf?  Get it?!!!")  Wolff's a crackerjack number-cruncher and, thanks to having an asshole Army dad who didn't believe in any type of autism therapy other than martial arts and weapons training, a highly-skilled assassin.

Sometimes Wolff uses his accounting skills to help drug cartels and mob kingpins find their embezzled cash.  Other times he uses his killing skills to take out whole buildings full of mercs.  Thanks to autism (what the DSM-5 fuck?!), he does both things easier than most people order a pizza.

To get a nosy Treasury Department investigator (J.K. "Richard" Simmons) off his trail, Wolff takes a legit accounting gig researching how $61M disappeared from a prosthetics manufacturer.  There he meets in-house bookkeeper Dana (Anna "Fo Fanna" Kendrick) so that he'll have someone to awkwardly flirt with (remember, he is autistic).  The two of them discover nefarious doin's a-transpirin' which puts Dana's life in danger and gives Captain Asperger an excuse to go all The Bourne Balance Sheet on a bunch of anonymous bad guys.

Given what a fucknoxiously bad actor Affleck was during his early days, an entire room in his Hollywood mansion better be a shrine to Kevin "Buddha Belly" Smith.  Batffleck owes his fucking career to Smith!  If it weren't for Mallrats and Chasing Amy, there would've been no Good Will Hunting.  Of course, we also wouldn't have been subjected to Big Ben in Pearl Harbor and Gigli, so . . . yeah.

Look!  Rocking violently in the corner!  It's a tard!  It's a sham!  It's The Accountant!

October 15, 2016