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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Terminator Genisys

Say what you will about the son-of-a-Nazi, maid-fucking, steroid-shooting, pot-smoking, chick-groping former governor of California, now that he's well into his twilight years Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger has no problem being the butt of a joke.  Unfortunately, the joke this time around is Terminator Genisys, and the punchline is that it sucks more than the Suck-o-matic 6000 vacuum/personal pleasure droid.

I'm surprised that director Alan "Liz" Taylor and writers Laeta "Needs More Vowels" Kalogridis and Patrick "Wait, This Isn't a Dracula Movie" Lussier haven't been charged with cannibalistic necrophilia because they stripped all the meaty bits off of the first two Terminator films, fucked them completely up and called the jizz-covered horror of a result Terminator Genisys.

You probably think I'm exaggerating.  First off, fuck you.  Second off, I'm a million percent not.  Genisys steals whole sets of scenes - shot for shot - from The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgement Day.  It recycles entire speeches - word for word - from those same flicks, and its only quotable lines are already-famous catchphrases from them.  Genisys should have a sticker on it stating that it's made of no less than 75% post-consumer waste.

Where The Terminator had a taught, as-logical-as-a-time-travel-plot-can-be story to tell and Terminator 2 achieved the rarer than a well-adjusted stripper feat of being a sequel as good or better than its predecessor, Genisys throws all of the series' time travel rules out the TARDIS.  It gives younger Sarah Connor (Emilia "Daenerys Titsgaryen" Clarke) a Terminator/father figure and refuses to say who sent him back to protect her . . . because it makes no fucking sense!  It - no spoiler here because the ads for Genisys already spoiled it - turns John Connor (Jason "Kim Coates' Love Child" Clarke), the heroic leader of the human resistance, into a new type of shape-shifting Terminator who has the cybernetic cojones to claim that if he kills his parents, Sarah and Kyle Reese (Jai "G'day!" Courtney), before he's born he won't cease to exist even though, again, that makes no fucking sense!

Oh, and Genisys makes Skynet, the evil AI that pops the top on the world's nuclear arsenal in order to wipe out humanity and clear the way for machines to try their metal endoskeletal hands at committee meetings, Internet porn and $5 cups of coffee, into a "killer app." 

Death by smart phone.

Death to Terminator Genisys, too.  It may not be the worst movie in the franchise - that honor still goes to the fuckdiculously awful Terminator Salvation - but it's an Apple Newton compared to the iPads that are T1 and T2 or the off-brand Kmart tablet that is Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.

If you believe that there's no fate but what we make for ourselves, then do the right thing and say "Hasta la vista, baby." to Terminator Genisys.

July 5, 2015