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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Taken 3

I've seen some fuckawful movies in my time, but you know something, even the reekiest, festeringest puss-sacks of the bunch still had the common fucking courtesy to live up to the most basic promises made by their titles. 

There were both pirates and ice in The Ice Pirates.

Showgirls - in every state of undress, no less - filled Showgirls.

The cat told Ryan Reynold's schizo to murdermurdermurder and the dog begged him not to in The Voices.

High Desert Kill featured both high desert and killing.

If those examples of celluloid waterboarding could manage at least that much, how in the froggy fuck did producer Luc Besson and director Olivier Megaton get away with making a movie called Taken 3 in which not a single fucking person gets fucking taken?! 

As you'd expect, Taken and Taken 2 prominently featured takings.  Given his resume, I can believe that Megaton (worst . . . name . . . ever) forgot the premise of the series - even with it being right there in the title.  But Besson?  He of La Femme Nikita, Leon: The Professional and The Fifth Element fame.  What happened to you, man?  You used to be cool. 

So, this time around, instead of Liam "Late Bloomer" Neeson's ex-CIA-now-AARP badass, Bryan Mills, busting heads and growling threats into phones in search of a kidnapped loved one, he's framed for murder and has to clear his name, which he proceeds to do in the most illogical and literally unbelievable ways possible.  For instance, after contacting his daughter with a secret note telling her to chug a specific can of yogurt drink (natch) at a convenience store, Mills uses the drink to poison her so she'll wind up in a random bathroom miles away where he just happens to be waiting for her with the antidote.  You know, instead of just using the secret note to tell her where the fuck to meet him in the first place!  

As Mills assaults half the cops in L.A. while destroying huge sections of it, Forest "Left Eye" Whitaker's Inspector Dotzler follows at a safe distance.  When Dotzler isn't rambling on about bagels, which he does, a lot - seriously, Taken 3 gets more mileage out bagels than a Brandeis brunch - he's fidgeting with a rubber band like it's his second job but for no reason anyone ever comes even close to mentioning.

Taken 3 is the kind of quarter-assery that has Mills kill four guys - leaving him with three full-auto machine guns and a semi-auto shotgun he could take into the next phase of murder and mayhem - and instead of picking any of them up this alleged super spy opts to sally forth with a single pistol.  Honestly, with as little sense as this movie makes, I'm surprised it wasn't a water pistol.

After Transporter 3, Colombiana, Taken 2 and now this, all I can say is fuck Olivier Megaton.  Fuck him right in his gaping baguette hole.

May 10, 2015  Video release review rather than theatrical release review because Monet, Monet, Monet, Monet . . . Monet!