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Suicide Squad

What do a cantaloupe, a bong and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln have in common? They all could have made a better Suicide Squad.

Writer/Director David "It's Spanish For Yesterday" Ayer may have been butt-fucked by studio interference.  He may have gone mad with power working on the biggest project of his career.  Or he may, in fact, be less capable than a sea cucumber of writing and/or directing a good movie. 

Seriously, other than Fury the rest of Ayer's ouvre stinks worse than Courtney Love's pussy after her annual Homeless Raw Dog Gang Bang and Limburger Douche Party.

Suicide Squad was supposed to be DC's next big step toward creating a cinematic universe of bespandexed do-gooders to compete for some of that sweet, sweet cashola Marvel's been raking in.  After Batman v Superman supersucked bat cock, DC realized that its plan to make all its movies Debbie Downers in order to differentiate them from Marvel's Frank Funtimes may have been the worst miscalculation since that time I got involved in a land war in Asia.

Here's a little secret.  Even without the panicked reshoots, Suicide Squad would have been dead on arrival.  Shadowy government shot caller Amanda Waller's (Viola "2016's S. Epatha Merkerson" Davis) forms the Suicide Squad to protect the world in case a bad Superman shows up someday.  How the fuck does she think this particular bunch is up to the task?

 - Deadshot, a hitman who never misses his target (Will "L. Ron" Smith)

 - Boomerang, a drunk, Aussie boomerang expert (Jai "Alai" Courtney)

 - Harley Quinn, a baseball bat-wielding former psychiatrist and current Joker's girlfriend (Margot "Just Kiddering" Robbie)

 - Slipknot, a guy who's "special" skill is that he's good at climbing things (Adam "Blood" Beach)

 - Killer Croc, a half man-half crocodile dude (Adewale "Alliteration" Akinnuoye-Agbaje's)

 - Diablo, a gangbanger who can shoot fire from his hands (Jay "And Silent Bob" Hernandez)

 - Enchantress, an archeologist possessed by some sort of witch (Cara "Mia" Delevingne)

The last time I checked, ol' Supes isn't too worried about bullets, boomerangs, baseball bats, rope, crocodiles, fire or spells.  So, not that it's important or anything, but the whole premise of your movie is fucktarded!

We're supposed to buy model turned "actress" Cara Delevingne as an archeologist?  That's on par with when we had to try not to laugh at Denise "Vacant Stare" Richards playing a nuclear physicist named Christmas Jones in The World Is Not Enough.

Even though he's all over every preview and poster, "He Went To" Jared Leto's Joker only actually appears on screen for maybe 10 minutes, which isn't enough time to tell anything about Leto's strip club-owning, silver-grilled, self-referentially-tattooed Joker other than that he can't hold a poison-filled joy buzzer to Heath Ledger's version.

The only moments in Suicide Squad that come anywhere close to living up to all the hype are the ones between Harley and the Joker . . . all three fucking minutes of them.

August 7, 2016