Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (Toddfather's Take)


Cinemavenger is happy to welcome the Toddfather to the site.  This motherfucker has a thing or two to say.


It's painfully obvious that the reason Cinemavenger gave the stillborn cinematic atrocity, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, an "average" three-finger rating is because his other fingers were busy diddling his and a certain mouse’s assholes. Yes, I’m talking about the Mouse with a big D . . . in front of his name.  Clearly Disney got to Cinemavenger.  What kind of mutual masturbatory sellout is this?!


I must be crazy, because I really believed I could be left alone with a Star Wars flick in a dark theater without having my childhood molested by a big D.  But nay!!  Those giant, mass media conglomerate fucks arrogantly ended the nine-part Skywalker Saga without writing a goddamn story first!  Note to movie producers: a “trilogy” is a series of stories that, pre-production, have a beginning, a middle, and an end.  The prequels deserve the hate and they know it, but a least they told a fucking story.  And it was an actual Skywalker story!


The jizzillions of websites, Twitterers, etc. that have already pegged the gaping plot holes in this final chapter are proof that J.J. Abrams’s TROS is a Jakku-sized pile of tauntaun shit.  The abominably lazy screenwriting and tone-deaf, pseudo-reverence to Lucas' Star Wars universe result in these spoiler-filled lowlights.


- Chewie’s dead!  Rey blew him up with Force lightning!  Oh wait, no he isn’t.
- "Rey, I never got to tell you . . . !"  And now you never will, Finn.
- Kylo is dead!  Oh, no he isn’t.  Rey saved him.
- Hux is the mole!  And he’s instantly dead. 
- Rey is dead!  Oh, no she isn’t.  Ben saved her.


And it turns out the Emperor, who Vader definitely killed, isn't dead either.  He’s been alive the entire time, manipulating everything you’ve been seeing for the past two movies.  Not that anyone would know.  Because who wants to root against the real villain when they can waste four-plus hours booing and hissing a fake one?


Does anyone else remember the now immortal words of the double-crossing thief, DJ, in The Last Jedi?


"It's all a machine, partner. Live free, don't join."


Star Wars has always been about good versus evil, light versus dark.  Until the current, series-killing trilogy, that is.  As DJ observed of the universe at large, since Walt's frozen head took over, there are no good guys, and there are no bad guys.  Instead, both sides, Rebels/Resistance and Empire/Various "Orders," are just two halves of a codependent whole, and they're equally greedy and corrupt. 


So, whether you’re a fan of the First/Final Order, or you’d stand with the Resistance.  Whether you love The Rise of Skywalker, or you want to de-canonize it.  Either way, you’re a cog in the machine, partner.  Disney doesn't give a fuck as long as you keep sacrificing your hard-earned, movie ticket moola to the one, true, all-powerful, mouse-eared ruler of the Star Wars universe.


The Force used to be with you.  Now you're just another sucker.


December 3, 2020

Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
ThinkGeek
Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
The Chive