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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

There were a lot of people dressed up as Princess Leia at my local multiplex on opening night of Star Wars: The Last Jedi.  Not present-day, grandma Leia.  White dress and Cinnabon hairdo Leia from the original movie.  Most of the cosplay Leias were dudes.  With beards.  Which is, in a droidshell, the perfect illustration of everything wrong with the current generation of Star Wars flicks.

To quote Michael Wincott's character in The Crow, and possibly be the first person to do so, "The idea has become the institution."  Disney could slap "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . ." in front of 90 minutes of a pile of dog shit spinning around in a microwave, and audiences would eat that literal shit up.

People couldn't give less of a fuck that the current stable of characters are stick figure sketches, the plots are made from 100% recycled material, or that the details of the new movies are forgotten faster than New Year's resolutions while the specifics of the original trilogy remain vivid and quotable nearly four decades later.

Darth Vader was scary as fuck.  He looked like a robo-reaper.  He sounded like James Earl Jones.  He choked generals from across the room with his mind.  And he did it all like it wasn't no thang.  He was such a bad motherfucker that it was an "Oh shit!" moment when we found out that he had a boss.

New Darth, Kylo Ren (Adam "Baby" Driver), is a little bitch who throws tantrums like a two-year-old.  This time around he smashes his helmet to pieces because he didn't get an "A" on his homework.  Rey (Daisy "Ellen" Ripley) stands in for young Luke Skywalker, but where Luke started off as an immature farm boy and ended up a thoughtful master of the Force, Rey is practically a Jedi shitkicker from day one.  Her character arc so far has been flatter than Keira Knightley on a massage table.

From the "be careful what you wish for" file:  a lot of people have been begging for a Star Wars storyline that wasn't just another variation of "take out the shields and blow up the Death Star."  So instead The Last Jedi gives us a two-and-a-half hour space navy, slow speed chase.  And if you think you won't be bored or distracted, you will be.

You will be.

December 15, 2017