The Chive


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Star Wars: The Force Awakens

It is Xmas after all, so . . .

Jingle bells,
What the hell?
Luke has gone AWOL.
New Han's a chick,
New Leia's Black (and a dude!),
and R2's a beach ball.

Earlier this week, there was a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions offanboys suddenly creamed their jeans, then turned around and got back in line to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens again.

I suppose you can't blame people for a little spontaneous ejaculation when they discover that The Force Awakens is, at the very least, worlds better than the combination endurance test/torture session that was the Star Wars prequels - The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith.  But really, how hard was it for J.J. Abrams not to hire fucktrocious child actors, leave out endless C-SPAN-style galactic trade debates and not include dangerously unfunny and racist characters like Jar Jar and the obviously Jewish flying slave owner?

Still, The Force Awakens isn't even in the same parsec as A New Hope or The Empire Strikes Back.  The new Darth Vader, Kylo Ren (Adam "Minnie" Driver), throws temper tantrums like a spoiled two-year-old, wears a mask for no reason, takes the mask off faster and more often than a stripper's bra and, when he does, looks like a high school theatre geek.

Our first "hero" is a Stormtrooper deserter, Finn (John "Bodega" Boyega), who was too sensitive to kill innocent men, women and children.  Pussy.   

Our second "hero" is the implausibly sexy scavenger, Rey (Daisy "200 Shot Range Model Air Rifle" Ridley), from the Tatooine stand-in, Jackoff, er, Jerkweed, um, Jakku.  Yup, that's it.

Finn and Rey have to get a droid, BB-8, to the Resistance, because BB-8 has some vital, secret info. that could help defeat the latest incarnation of the Dark Side known as The First Order.  Sound familiar?  Trust me, it's not the only bit recycled from earlier, better Star Wars flicks.

You know, the Light Side really needs to get its fucking act together.  In the prequels, it loses to the Sith, and the Jedi are either killed or scattered like rolling papers after a Dead show.  Even though the Rebels appear to have beaten the Empire in the original series - cue Ewok orgy - the Empire has already been replaced by The First Order before the first light saber boner pops up in The Force Awakens.

The Light Side must rise and shine to Earl Grey or a can of Mountain Dew because coffee is for fucking closers!

And ol' Cinemavenger is going on the record right now.  It's going to turn out that the bastard love child of Boba Fett and some Coruscantian whore will take up daddy's jet pack and cape in one or both of The Force Awakens' sequels because the Force is way too strong with the Merchandising Department.

December 20, 2015