The Chive


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Star Trek Beyond

Star Trek may be celebrating its 50th anniversary with the release of its latest big screen butt nugget, Star Trek Beyond, but we all know that the real Kool & The Gang, super fantastic-Mr. Boombastic, kiss a stranger in the streets, moon-howlin', rump-shakin', party down event this week is . . .


That's right, muthafuckas!  They said it couldn't be done.  They asked why anyone would even want to.  They told us to quiet down and take our meds.  But here we are.  100 in and just getting the fuck started.  Recognize!

Cinemavenger hasn't even broken a sweat yet.  Not like James Tiberius Kirk (Chris "Ponderosa" Pine) moping around like some angsty teen wondering "What's it all about, man?" at the beginning of Star Trek Beyond

And it ain't just Kirk draggin' ass.  The whole crew's in a funk.  Spock (Zachary "Kunta" Quinto) is bummed that alt.-Spock (Leonard "The Real Leo" Nimoy) has gone to the great transporter room in the sky.  Uhura (Zoe "Lambada" Saldana) is "on a break" from getting her vag Vulcanized by Spock.  Bones (Karl "Keith" Urban) is as cranky as ever about every fucking thing.  Sulu (John "Margaret" Cho) is sullen . . . and suddenly gay.  And Chekov (Anton "Boris" Yelchin) keeps having a recurring dream about being crushed to death by an SUV.

Then a couple of aliens wander along to liven things up.  Lizard-faced, mush-mouthed, generic baddie Krall (Idris Elba "Macaroni") and his legions of faceless minions attack the Enterprise in search of the missing piece to a WUD (weapon of universal destruction) they want to go all ISIS with. 

This forces the crew to abandon ship and split up into Us Weekly-ready couples.  There's Kirkov (Kirk and Chekov).  Suluhura (Sulu and Uhura).  Scotlah (Scotty (Simon "Square" Pegg) and Jaylah (Sofia "Shake Your" Boutella)), the second alien, who looks like a zebra, knows karate - proving that while not all Asians are martial arts experts all aliens are - and who Scotty calls "lassie" no less than 72 times.  And my favorite, McCock (McCoy and Spock).

It's tempting to say that Star Trek Beyond "boldly blows like no Star Trek movie has blown before," but c'mon.  It doesn't take the big brain on Data (ok nerds, the positronic network on Data) to know that as good as some of the TV versions have been, the only Star Trek movie that didn't fuck us right in our black holes was Wrath of Khan.

Fast & Furious alum Justin "Deafening Din" Lin takes over directing duties for Star Trek Beyond.  You know, just in case the Kirk-motocross-jumping-on-an-alien-planet bit and the crew using the Beastie Boys song "Sabotage" to - I wish I was shitting you but I'm not - defeat Krall's army didn't tip you off.

Star Trek movies: 13.  Cinemavenger: 100.

Qapla', bitches!

June 24, 2016