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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


First and foremost, Jason Mewes is a god! He may have just become Cinemavenger's most famous Twitter follower . . . by a country fucking mile. Or it could be a little wannabe catfish bitch. Time will tell, but if it's really you Jay dog, thanks a billion, and snooch to the nooch!

Now, let's have a Cinemavenger golf clap, which involves two comically large tits and a kiddie pool full of borscht, for Sputnik, a Russian sci-fi/horror flick that's got critics the world over lining up to suck its dick.

Maybe it's the lack of new movies due to stupid Covid? Maybe this is what you get in a post-participation award society when just showing up earns you slobbery praise? Either way, the 88% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes that Sputnik currently enjoys seems galactically out of proportion to how good the movie actually is.

During reentry - the space kind, not the bath house kind - two cosmonauts hear something walking around on the outside of their capsule. So, a creature that can survive the fiery maelstrom of reentry into Earth's atmosphere can also be fucked the fuck up by a few bullets? That's one brick out of the wall.

The creature turns out to be a Venom-style symbiote that lives inside the surviving space traveler. The Russkies bring in a maverick psychiatrist, who natch is bodacious, brilliant, and a ball-buster, to figure out a way to separate the alien from its host so that it can be weaponized. Not one Red bastard mentions that there doesn't appear to be any value to the alien as a weapon. Another brick out of the wall.

Sputnik has a clever name (it's a reference to the first man-made satellite the USSR launched in the 50s and also means "companion" in Russian), but it loses tons of points for shamelessly ripping off the first three Alien movies. The creature lives inside a human host. Sleazy government/corporate types get beaucoup people killed trying to tame it. And convicts turn out to be unlikely heroes/victims.

It's also one of those movies that has characters not bat an eye upon learning that alien life exists and is in the next room. These fuckers might as well be looking at a goddam squirrel for how excited this reality-shredding revelation makes them. I've seen bigger reactions to farts.

And the wall comes tumblin' down.

August 28, 2020