Cinemavenger
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Spider-Man: No Way Home
After 10 years, Will Smith finally has another hit. The wild, wild, bad boy Fresh Prince isn't in Spider-Man: No Way Home, but he did smack Chris Rock for making a joke at the Oscars. If you can't score hits at the the theater, I guess that's one way to do it.
The newest Spider-Man, by all conventional standards, is a hit. It's sitting at 93% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, and it's made more money than the GDP of most countries. Unfortunately, it also sucks. Yeah, I fucking said it, and if you don't like it you can upside down kiss my ass.
The equally praised and profitable Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse came out just three short years ago, and No Way Home is basically a live action retread of that flick. Did Marvel think no one would notice?
Maybe Marvel has simply run out of ideas? Their last few MCU movies have gone from bad to worse, and even one of the most beloved characters they have, the web head himself, can't save the day this time.
The movie opens with the whole world finding out that Peter Parker (Tom Holland "Dazed") is Spider Man. Peter's unintended and unwelcome fame wrecks his, MJ's ("Hakuna" Zendaya), and Ned's (Jacob "Slim Fast" Batalon) lives. Which is to say that they don't get into MIT. Yup. That's the big motivation for Peter to beg Doctor Strange ("Eggs" Benedict Cumberbatch) to cast a spell to brainwash everyone into forgetting Peter's secret identity.
From there, No Way Home is basically a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Peter duck season-rabbit seasons the spell while Strange is casting it, and rather than start over the master of the mystical arts plods on opening a rift in the multiverse that lets various villains from the last two Spider Man franchises into whichever goram universe Holland's Parker currently calls home.
Seeing the old actors in their old roles, including the last two Spider Men, is supposed to be enough, but it fucking well isn't. Especially when Spider-Verse did it so much better so recently. No Way Home fails on almost every level. Worst of all, it's boring as balls. And for the record, this is not an April Fools review. This movie - and Marvel if they keep this shit up - can go fuck itself.
April 1, 2022