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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Why the fuck on Earth would you let a vegan recommend a steakhouse?  Or get a blind barber to cut your hair?  Or ask a homeless junkie to be your life coach?  You fucking well wouldn't because you fucking well know better!

So what, exactly, did I think was gonna happen when my friend who hardly ever watches movies - we're talking 2-3 per year - told me that I just had to see Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse?

I'll tell you what should've happened.  I should've ignored his passionate entreaty, either with a polite, "Yeah, maybe," or a more honest, "Piss off!"  Instead, ol' Cinemavenger added to the blue whale shlong-long list of fuckawful decisions that make up the tapestry of his life and went to see Hollywood's latest take on the original, friendly, neighborhood, White boy busybody.

Only this time, Spidey ain't White.  Well, the main Spidey, at least.  Peter Parker, who appears a few different times and is mostly voiced by Jake "Howard" Johnson, is still whiter than a Klan rally.  He's just a side character, though.  The numero uno Webhead is the multi-ethnic Miles Morales (Shameik "Dudley" Moore).

Fans have been screaming for a non-honkey Spider-Man movie for years.  Sony wasn't about to bet live-action, tentpole cash on an "urban" web-slinger, but it was willing to roll the dice on a lower budget, animated Spider-Man flick featuring Morales. 

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse goes all pandimensional.  Morales, who doesn't even have any powers when the story starts, is joined by a beer-gutted, divorced, jaded-as-Linda-Fiorentino-circa-1995 Peter Parker, a Spider-Woman (Hailee "Jerry" Steinfeld), a Looney Tunes Spider-Ham (John "Big Veiny" Mulaney), an anime Spider-Girl named Peni Parker (Kimiko "John" Glenn), and a black-and-white Noir Spider-Guy ("Despite All His Rage He Is Still Just" Nicolas Cage).

Six spida-suckas means - and I wish from the bottom of my bottomless heart that I was joking, but nope - six origin stories.  Because who can't get enough origin stories, right? 

The only reason to see Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is Stan Lee's final cameo.  Excelsior, you magnificent bastard!

January 4, 2019