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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Give me a stop motion flick that uses SOLO cups with googly eyes for every character.  Give me a 100% sock puppet origin story called Hand Solo.  Give me anything other than the SSDD (same shit different director).  Give me something new and interesting for frak's sake!

I guess "new and interesting" is right up there with "Harvey Weinstein's casting couch" and "African American female director" on the list of word combinations that scare the everlovin' fuck out of Hollywood these days.  Because Solo: A Star Wars Story is safer than a Volvo and more predictable than toilet terrorism after a trip to Taco Bell.

Young Han (Alden "The Family" Ehrenreich) dreams of escaping a life of Dickensian indentured servitude with his girlfriend, Qi'ra (Emilia "Mother of Hard-ons" Clarke).  He's a scrappy lad - three parts nice guy to one rogue.  His smirking, perfectly-coiffed bid for freedom lands him on the crew of the far-less-than-master criminal Beckett (Woody "In My Pants" Harrelson).

The plot, which straight up jacks the "Train Job" episode of Firefly, has something to do with stealing hyper-valuable hyperfuel, but Solo's real purpose is to allow Star Wars fans to play Peeping Tom with Han's history.  If that's your particular perversion, prepare to blow a Sarlaac-sized load.  Solo will stroke you off with all of this and more.

 - Why Han's last name is Solo
 - How Han learned to fly
 - How Han met Chewie
 - How Han met Lando (Donald "Like A" Glover - excellent)
 - How Han met the Falcon
 - How Chewie got his bandoliers
 - How Han got his signature pistol
 - How and why Han made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs

Oh yeah, you fucking knew that Solo was going to continue the Star Wars tradition of torturing the concept of parsecs like it was a prisoner at Gitmo.  If parsecs had ballsacks, Star Wars would jumper cable 'em to an oversized car battery faster than you can say, "I'd hit slave Leia harder than a Sandperson hits Luke."

May 25, 2018