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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Why the fuck do people love Snowpiercer? Sure, it's got hunky Chris "Bob" Evans, he of the dreamy eyes and beefy biceps. And yeah, it's a parable about class warfare, the Haves vs the Have Nots, which is always a draw for both the unwashed masses and their rich-ass rulers. But it's also a supertanker load of half-baked ideas, wildly swinging tones, and more gaps in logic than the fucking Bible.

The premise is that, in an effort to fight global warming, the governments of the world agreed - instead of moving away from fossil fuels, etc. - to spray some chemical into the sky to bring down the temperature. I guess the "park icebergs off the coasts of all the countries and use giant fans to blow cool air inland" idea was too farfetched. The spray plan worked a bit too well and plunged the world into a new ice age.

Only a few thousand people survived the big freeze, and as the movie opens they all live on a really long train that never stops moving as it travels around most of the entire globe. Why what's left of humanity chose to cram itself onto a moving train rather than, say, into any fucking, stationary place is never asked let alone explained.

Oh right. It's because the makers of this grim fairy tale decided they needed to spoon-feed their sociology for dummies lecture to all of us morons, and how better to do that than to go with a classic side-scrolling video game setup? The lower class, poor, minority, back of the bussers (well, trainers), led by Evans, try to revolt against the upper class, rich, almost all white, front of the train folks by fighting their way forward from car to car.

The train's leaders have even developed a quasi-religious approach to survival and social engineering with the train's engine being "sacred" and school kids taught catchy songs about "obey or die." Of course, while the poor people are crammed together like sardines and forced to eat blocks of mystery protein gelatin, the rich people enjoy walk-through aquarium cars, steak frites, and the occasional rave.

When this two-hour-plus civics joke finally ends, the punchline appears to be that the underclass will kill us all if given even an ounce of freedom. Oh, and then what's left of humanity gets eaten by polar bears.

What the absolute zero fuck?! 

April 2, 2021