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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Another week, another superhero movie.  Super yawn!  I don't care if you wear your Batman Underoos to bed every night; you've gotta admit that Shazam! is about twenty-three feet below the bottom of the capes-and-leotards-filled barrel.

Even his name's a cheap gimmick.  Shazam is a pseudo-acronym for the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Atlas, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles, and the speed of Mercury.  Which means he's just like Superman if Superman was actually a non-superpowered teenager who could turn into Superman anytime simply by saying, "Shazam!"

The wizard Shazam (Djimon "A Bone Jakon" Hounsou in dinner theatre Tolkien drag) exists to keep the Seven Deadly Sins imprisoned.  In the Shazam! universe, those aren't just don't-do-that-or-you'll-go-to-hell sins, they're physical monsters.  And they start the movie imprisoned.  So why does mankind average about a mortal sin per minute if the Seven Deadlies are locked up in Shazam's BDSM wizard dungeon?

Shazam is getting old, so he's seeking an heir to take his powers and protect the world from the Seven Deadly Sins . . . that, again, are already fingerbang friendly with every human even marginally less enlightened than the Dalai Lama.  Shazam may be a talented wizard, but he's shitfuckawful as a person.  He rejects one potential successor so assholeishly that the kid grows up to become the master/servant of the Seven Deadly Sins.  How ironical?!

Once Billy Batson (Asher "Slasher" Angel looking how I imagine Maisie Williams would if she had a dick) becomes Shazam (Zachary "501" Levi), he goes through the more overdone than a Ponderosa steak "learning to use his superpowers" thing.  That includes destroying a bunch of textbooks by using them as targets for lightning bolt practice.  A superhero who burns books?  Booooooo!

Shazam! is just Big in spandex.  If Big sucked.

April 5, 2019