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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Shadow in the Cloud

Let me get this right. On January 6 a bunch of fucknuts stormed the Capitol because they thought the election wasn't free and fair - despite the fact that there was no actual evidence of that. A few weeks later, politicians flipped America the bird when they said they believed Trump was guilty of inciting that riot but refused to convict him for it because they value their party over the People. What happened then? Fucking crickets, that's what.

That's when you storm the fucking Capitol and demand that your elected officials do their fucking jobs! But no. Apparently we live in a country that will attempt to overthrow its government over lies and a fucktarded cult of personality but not when the government pisses in everyone's faces and tells them it's raining. That's fucking bonkers!

Almost as bonkers as Shadow in the Cloud, the latest "major" streaming release that would barely have qualified as a minor (read: direct to video) release if Covid wasn't still fucking the movie industry harder than the 1% are fucking the rest of us. It stars Chloe "Amazing" Grace Moretz in what could one day be seen as her first step toward becoming the DTV market's female heir apparent to Nic Cage.

It's WWII, and Moretz's Maude, who's transporting a very secret and important something or other in a leather bag, hitches a ride on a bomber. The fact that she hops onto the plane while it's already rolling down the runway for takeoff should be your first clue that Shadow in the Cloud has a very "Suck it!" relationship with logic.

The bomber's all-male crew, most of whom are 100% down with the whole "grab 'em by the pussy" thing, promptly locks Maude in the gunner's turret in the belly of the plane. It is there that - no spoiler here given that it's in all the ads for the movie - Maude first glimpses a gremlin on the wing of the plane. It's like that old Twilight Zone episode if Shatner was a badass chick.

Moretz is obviously trying to earn her Ellen Ripley wings, and watching her whack away at it is a ton o' fun, the kind where you turn your brain all the way off and just giggle at the fucksurdity of it all.

February 26, 2021