Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


The H8teful Ei8gt. Snow White and the Se7ven Dwarves. The Si6th Sense. Love Potion Number N9ne. How did Se7en's alphanumerically avant-garde naming convention not catch on? Oh yeah, because it's dumber than a box of dumb.

Do you think it was intentional irony or fuck-a-duck luck that Se7en, a murder mystery starring Morgan "You're Reading This In His Voice" Freeman and Brad "Lit" Pitt as cops trying to stop a serial killer whose murders are based on the seven deadly sins, commits every single one of them? Let's count 'em down.

You want to talk about gluttony? This thing is two hours and seven minutes long, and that's 1995 era minutes. On a budget of $33M, including Freeman's, Pitt's, and some other stars' salaries as well as having to throw director David "MTV" Fincher at least a medium-sized bone, Se7en banked more than ten times that amount, which is pretty fucking greedy.

You know hardly any of that budget went to marketing, because other than a truly unexpected Happy Meal tie-in (What's in the box?!), Se7en snuck into theaters with less fanfare than the average quinceanera. That's some 600-pound shut-in level sloth. After doing serious time in the music video mines, Fincher's lust for fame, fortune, and the accompanying pussy drove him to a shock and awe campaign including, but not limited to, murder by strapon.

From the fact that it rains the entire fucking movie (or does it?) to the washed out colors and Mobius-twisted plot, Se7en couldn't be prouder of itself. It mugs older, cooler movies for its hardboiled detectives and their one-week-from-retirement veteran / young-dumb-and-full-of-cum rookie tug o' dicks shtick, among many other things, in an act of unbridled envy. And you can't believe how pissed, how wrathful, everyone involved was when they lost out to Braveheart for Best Picture that year.

Plus, Se7en knew the future. Kevin "C'mon Man" Spacey plays one of cinema's all-time creepiest, craziest psychos, a man who meticulously machinates and manipulates to horrifically heinous ends. And then the motherfucker turned out to be almost as creepifying in real life. Allegedly. That's 4our shades of 4ucked up.

May 1, 2020