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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

Braaaaiiiinnns.  Braaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnns!  Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse  has no brains.  It's missing an apostrophe in its fucking title for fucking fuck's sake!

Classic horror is deader than Frankenstein's dick.  Even the torture porn of Saw, the franchise that owned Halloween for the better part of a decade, has disappeared like the Invisible Man.  Now it's all "found footage" and horror-comedy.  Thankfully, Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse has none of the former.  Unfortunately, when it comes to the latter it's as funny as date rape and as scary as an Ewok-costumed Yorkie.

It's not like you can't mix zombies and hilarity and get yourself a little zombarity.  Return of the Living Dead did it way back in 1985.  Shaun of the Dead did it with a British accent.  Zombieland did it with a sextastic Emma Stone and Bill Murray to boot.  All three were zombarious.

Or, I don't know, you could just have zombie Cloris "Frau Blucher" Leachman gumming some teenager's ass.

Poor Cloris.  She must have one Sid Vicious-sized drug habit to have to take a role like this at her age.

The underage ass in question belongs to Carter (Logan "'s Run" Miller), the pussy-obsessed Stifler clone.  Carter and his two besties, Ben (Tye "Fighter" Sheridan) and Augie (Joey "Is Jonah Hill Done With His Career Yet?" Morgan), are Scouts.  Not Boy Scouts, just Scouts.  Because even the homo-hatin' Boy Scouts didn't want to have thing one to do with this moaning, shambling mess of a flick.  What's that tell ya?

Augie is the geekiest of the three and seemingly wants to stay in Scouts forever.  Ben and Carter's balls have dropped, so as they look forward to their junior year in high school they want to ditch the neckerchiefs in favor of some panty yarmulkes.  This more-unnecessary-than-a-condom-on-a-castrato conflict between loyalty to Augie/the Scouts and wanting to get laid takes up half the fucking movie, which leaves precious little time for zombie carnage and laughs in this (cough) horror-comedy.

The zombies in Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse have IQs way higher than your average example of the living-impaired.  A zombie stripper pole-dances for a minute or two before trying to chomp on Ben.  A zombie cop shoots at the three scouts and their strip club savior, Denise (Sarah "Is Angelina Jolie Done With Her Career Yet?" Dumont).  A zombie bum sings a Britney Spears song.  And a whole group of zombies bounce on a trampoline in an attempt to get into a second story window.  Shit, put a muzzle on these fuckers and they could be flipping burgers and working at Home Depot.

The real Boy Scouts' motto is "Always be prepared."  If you go see Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, be prepared for it to suck more than Lestat after a 100-year nap.

November 1, 2015