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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Safety Not Guaranteed

There are two types of people in the world, the ones who believe that bullshit and the ones who know that there are way the fuck more than two types of people in the world. And then there are robots, but any of them who read that last sentence just had their robot brains fried by the logical paradox, so fuck those metal-assed fucks.

The two-type fallacy is never more bird-shit-on-a-freshly-washed-car obvious then when it comes to what people find attractive. Your friend will tell you that he's all about tall, thin chicks with big, fake tits, a spray tan, and long blonde hair . . . even though he's dating a woman who's 5'1", chubby, A cupped, pale as a ghost, and rocks her brown hair in a pixie cut.

Most people will take what they can get in the looks department, especially if the rest of the package - brains, humor, kindness, kinkiness - are the round pegs to their round holes. And yet, we still have "types." For ol' Cinemavenger, Aubrey "In The East They Call A Strip Mall A" Plaza is the holy grail of future ex-girlfriends.

From her earliest roles, Plaza has been a breath of fresh air for those of us drowning in a sea of Barbie babes on the big and small screen. She's smart, funny as fuck, insanely beautiful, and she has a gasoline and gunpowder edge to her that's irresistible. She's on the good end of the Bell Curve in a most fetchingly excellent way.

Her performance in Safety Not Guaranteed is reason enough to see this mostly-forgotten indie flick, which is now available on Amazon Prime. It's about a guy (Mark "From The League" Duplass) who places a classified ad for a partner to go time traveling. A magazine sends a reporter (Jake "Jack" Johnson) to interview the alleged time traveler, and the reporter pawns all of the actual work off onto Plaza's intern and another intern played by Karan "Dopinder" Soni.

Watching Johnson trying to be a "leading man" before he made it big as a goofball, Soni honing his future Deadpool persona, and Duplass tapping into the creepiness he'd slather on for his Creep movies is a treat. The gravity well draw, though, is Plaza who does bloody but unbowed better than anyone.

Hit me up, Aubrey, and let's get sushi-in-a-mosh-pit nuts!

March 26, 2021