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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

For the tinfoil hat crowd, the answer is always "aliens."

How were the pyramids built?  Aliens.

How did we get from horse drawn carriages to the Moon in just 50 years?  Aliens.

Why can't I remember anything about last night, and why does my asshole feel like I sat on a fence post?  Aliens.

But after just a little slicey-dicey with Occam's razor, it's as plain as Amish yogurt that:

With enough time, resources, slave labor and no distractions from TV or the Interwebs, even your lazy ass could build the pyramids.

When it comes to modern technology, the learning curve is steeper than Everest.  For fuck's sake, we went from 14.4k modems and "you've got mail" being a novelty to streaming Netflix on our iPads in only 10 years.

You're a closet case who washed down some roofies with a pint of vodka and hooked up with some dude on the Grindr app you have on your phone so you can "make fun of the queers."

For the Resident Evil movie franchise, the answer is always "clones."  If you rounded up all the Alices (Milla "Vanilla" Jovovich), Dr. Isaacs (Iain "John" Glen) and Rains (Michelle "M-Rod" Rodriguez) that have been in this series, you could draft two NFL teams and still have enough people left over to staff a symphony orchestra.  They should've called the latest one, Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, something like Cloning Around or Bring in the Clones.

In case you're not itk (that's "in the know," square), the video game series Resident Evil spawned the movie series of the same name back in Aught Two, and in all fairness, it didn't suck like a Dyson.  In fact, the first RE is arguably one of the best video game-to-movie adaptations ever.

Then the sequels happened.  Counting The Final Chapter, there have been five of them, each more confused, confusing and clone-filled than the last.

Things used to be simple in the RE universe.  A giant, sinister multinational, the Umbrella Corporation, created the T-Virus.  It got loose and turned people into zombies.  It also created other nastier, often vagina-mouthed monsters.  An Umbrella security officer, Alice, decided to expose the company and find a cure for the zombie apocalypse.

On the way to The Final Chapter, Alice developed super strength, super speed, psychic powers and the ability to somehow be a feminist role model while fighting zombies in thigh highs and belly shirts.  Then lost all those abilities.  Then got them back.  Well, some of them.  Then lost them again.  Which means that in The Final Chapter she's a superhero when she needs to kick ass and woefully human when she needs her ass kicked.  Because that makes sense, right?

Like most food merely being a vehicle for delicious butter, the Resident Evil flicks are merely vehicles for acrobatic action scenes featuring munch-worthy Milla.  The Final Chapter is no exception.  Alice kicks, punches and shoots as she flies through the air with the greatest of wire-assisted ease.  And the Red Queen is now played by her real-life daughter, Ever "More" Anderson.

Why couldn't ol' Cinemavenger have been born into Hollywood royalty?

Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck.

January 27, 2017