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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Red Notice

​Let's play a game. Is Netflix's latest, Red Notice, a movie about:

A) A psycho killer chick who slaughters men but only while she's on her period?

B) The Democrats repurposing the old anti-Communist battle cry, "Better dead than Red!" for use against the Republicans?

C) Municipal warning signs along beaches experiencing Red Tide?

D) None of the above?

Give yourself a big ol' pat on the back if you chose "D" - and an even bigger one if  you chose the D, because like George Michael sang, "Sex is natural. Sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should."

Red Notice is actually about "Flyin'" Ryan Reynolds doing his typical Ryan Reynolds thing, Dwayne "The Big Black Rock" Johnson doing his typical Dwayne Johnson thing, and Gal "Friday" Gadot doing her typical Gal Gadot thing. It ain't high art by any stretch, but it's way more entertaining than most of the studio releases that have slogged their way through Covid-fucked theaters over the past year or so.

Reynolds plays Nolan Booth, the second best international art thief desperate for no discernible reason other than unbridled ego to be the first best international art thief. Johnson is John Hartley, an unexpectedly buff FBI profiler tasked with bringing Booth in. Gadot is The Bishop, Reynolds' competition for the much coveted (um, ok) spot at the top of the international art thief rankings.

Fuck the Mona Lisa, Michelangelo's David, and the timeless Dogs Playing Poker, because Red Notice declares that the biggest, badassiest art heist would be to steal not one, not two, but three famous Faberge-like eggs originally gifted to Cleopatra by Mark Antony. And . . . they're off!

Hartley tries to stop Booth from snagging the first egg in Rome. Then the two are forced to team up against The Bishop. Felix and Oscar, er Cates and Hammond, I mean Hartley and Booth bicker and snipe, bitch and bellyache their way around the globe always one step behind The Bishop.

Then there's a big twist. Well, how big it is depends on whether you've ever seen a movie like this before, but there's at least some size of twist. Right before the obligatory sequel baiting, and assuming Netflix continues to throw loads of cash at big name stars to appear in middlin' flicks, you can bet your ascot that, Red Notice 2: Fuck the Art Police will be streaming before the end of 2022.

December 3, 2021