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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


I think I'm developing a bad case of Rockophobia.  When I wake up in the middle of the night to take a piss, I half expect Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to be sitting on my toilet taking a Samoan-sized shit - and that's something nobody wants to smell cooking.  That motherfucker is everywhere!  He's got more movies out or coming out than there are douchebags at a vape convention.

You think I'm exaggerating?  A preview for the Rock's upcoming version of Die Hard played in front of his version of King Kong versus Godzilla, Rampage.  When was the last time you watched a preview for a movie starring the guy whose movie you were about to watch.  Never, that's fucking when!

I guess I get his ubiquity, the Rock appeals to a lot of demographics.  Chicks dig him because he's hot, rich and seems like a nice guy.  Gay guys dig him for the same reasons.  Dudes dig him because they want to be him.  Musclebound meatheads dig him because he's built like three brick shithouses.  Beefcake!

Rampage is based on a 1980s video game where you played as one of three giant monsters, a King Kong-like gorilla, a Godzilla-like dinosaur or a 50-foot werewolf.  The goal was to destroy a city.  And then another city.  And then another city.  Until you either got carpal tunnel or bored enough to quit.  Thrilling?  Not by a fuck shot.

The movie version is equally pointless.  The Rock is a primatologist in the Christmas Jones mold.  The adult, albino gorilla he saved from poachers when it was a baby gets exposed to an evil corporation's illegal science project.  This causes the gorilla to get really huge and really angry.  A wolf and an alligator also get exposed to the "pathogen," and all three end up in Chicago to do battle with skyscrapers and each other.

Rampage is so fucking stupid that it expects everyone to believe that while the entire world - the government, the evil corporation, the media, every asshole with an iPhone - has been following the carnage caused by the gorilla and wolf from about six minutes after they turned all monstery no one noticed Godzilla-gator making its way from the Everglades to Chi-Town.

The Rock is becoming a stone in my shoe, and Rampage can suck a city full of dicks.

April 13, 2018