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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Pulp Fiction

Assholes! Assholes everywhere! And I'm not talking about the butthole cut of Cats. Fuckmongers gouging people for face masks and hand sanitizer during the Covid-19 pandemic. Fuckwits protesting the stay at home orders based on lies and stupidity. Fucklords going after penniless renters' stimulus checks.

If you need some favorite sweater, sensual massage, pound of chocolate chip cookie dough comfort, curl up with the all-time classic, Pulp Fiction, a movie that screams, "Assholes are people, too!"  You know, as long as they're cool.

A boxer asshole (Bruce "Old Habits Die Hard" Willis) double crosses a crime kingpin by not throwing a fight he said he'd throw. A man's gotta eat, right? Plus he has a cool watch. The cool-as-jazz crime kingpin asshole, Marsellus Wallace (Ving "Ding" Rhames), tries to kill the palooka and gets ass blasted for his trouble. If you rape him, does he not get medieval on yo' ass?

Wallace's asshole wife, Mia (Uma "Merman" Thurman), snorts every drug she can get her hands on while seriously considering fucking the help. All cooly. Two asshole hitmen, Jules and Vincent (Samuel L. "Motherfucker" Jackson and John "Grease Ball" Travolta), kill a bunch of people, but they do it while talking about hamburgers and the politics of foot rubs, so it's cool.

A couple of lowlife assholes (Tim "Timmy!" Roth and Amanda "Anybody Know A Good" Plummer) try to rob a diner after talking all cool about why it's the tits move. Director Quentin "QT" Tarantino even gets in on the action as the supremely unlikely old friend of one of the hitmen, and he gets to drop a B-52 load of N-bombs in the process, which is cool, right? At least it was in 1994.

The surf rock-infused soundtrack and slicey-dicey timeline did as much as the rest to set Pulp Fiction apart when it came out, and they've worn better than a pair of Docs over the decades. The movie also got Willis' career back on track (yay!) and gave Travolta's a new lease on life (boo!).

Why wouldn't you check it out - probably again? Too busy smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo? Fucking asshole. You, not Captain Kangaroo. That man was a fucking national treasure.

April 24, 2020