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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Pet Sematary (2019)

If you wish you were reading a review of Avengers: Endgame, join the fucking club.  Maybe someday ol' Cinemavenger will rate early access to flicks, blockbuster or otherwise.  Until then, and thanks to intense filial piety, Avengers will have to wait until next week.  Anyway, here's "Wonderwall," I mean Pet Sematary.

Steven "Boo! Car Key" King knows his way around a horror story, but even he can't scare the poop out of people every time.  His 1983 novel, Pet Sematary, is one of his weaker efforts.  It's hobbled compared to Misery, bloody awful compared to Carrie, and insanely bad compared to The Shining.

Hollywood doesn't give a barking mad fuck.  After raking in the cashola with King adaptations all through the '80s, it turned a shitty book into a shittier movie with 1989's Pet Sematary.  A coked out goldfish with ADD has a longer memory than the movie industry, so now there's another Pet Sematary in theaters, and it's the worst one yet.

The new version is a dead, one-trick pony.  Its only scares are jump scares.  There's no suspense.  No dread.  No creeping unease.  Just sudden, loud noises and things popping in from the sides and top of the frame.  Which is as scary as a warm chocolate chip cookie or a giggling, non-demonically-possessed infant.

Worse than that, it's not Native American spirits, Judeo-Christian demons, or even undead pussy . . . cats that are the villains in this city-folk-move-to-the-scary-country horse pucky.  That "honor" goes to the wannabe nice guy, next-door neighbor, Judson (John "3rd Rock Out With Your Cock Out" Lithgow).

Judson has lived in East Bumblefuck his entire life.  As a kid, he used the ancient Indian burial ground conveniently located right there in the neighborhood to bring back his dog, and his undead dog tried to kill Judson's mother.  Then, as an adult, Judson pulled the same boner again and brought his dead wife back.  Surprise fucking surprise, necrotic Norma was also pure evil.

So why in the name of Christine's headlights would Judson take his new neighbor to the Tipi of Terror to resurrect the family cat?!  He wouldn't unless he was the actual Devil or dumber than a dachshund.  And he seems like a nice enough guy.

Do you want zombies?  Because this is how you get zombies!

April 26, 2019